Based on the events from earlier in the week and the lack of goal work last month, I was going to originally skip doing a monthly goal update for April. Then I had to go and rock the Indy Mini Marathon this morning so I want to brag about that and now I have to post.
1) Work harder - apparently all those winter miles paid off as I did this morning's Mini (aka half) Marathon in 1:33:12, a 7:07 pace. I wanted a 7:20 pace and would have been thrilled with a 7:15 pace. I started off doing 6:45 miles for the first four miles or so and then I just kept pumping out 7:00 miles for the next several miles. I started to fade a little around mile ten as my hip started to feel a little discomfort but by then, I had built up enough of a buffer that I could have done 8 minute miles and still made 7:15 pace. I am thoroughly pleased with this morning's results.
2) Play harder - uh, does running count? If not, I don't really have much. Wait until the end of May.
3) Travel more - see category 2.
4) Read more - this was the biggest failure of the month. I may have read 30 pages of East of Eden. I also knocked out about 75 pages in Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper. I averaged 3 pages a day. That's not good.
5) Drink better beer - the only thing I've had in my fridge this month has been the previously mentioned Smitten, which is totally decent and Triton's Sin Bin Ale which is totally mediocre and definitely not worth the price it goes for.
Next thought on this week. Some of you may know that about six months ago, I had been struggling with not being disciplined in several areas of my life and had tried and failed at finding a way to improve on them. It was then that I created a basic system on how to rate how I was doing. I had six categories I check every day - devotions in the morning, devotions at night, not overeating, not drinking to the point where it affects me, working out, not viewing sexually explicit material. If I did all six of those things, the day was worth $2. If I got five of six, it was a $1 day. Four or less and the day was worth nothing. I didn't know originally what I would use the money for, but now that has created my Vegas fund for the coming trip which might not be the best use of it, but oh well. Any way, despite the craptacular nature of the start of the week, this has actually been a really good week based on those criteria. Since the start of this system, I've probably averaged roughly $1 a day with my best week being $11. This week, assuming I do devotions tonight, will end up being a $13 week. The only blemish was overeating on Friday, but that's a result of my desire for community and going out to lunch with all the other science profs. Today might have qualified as a poor eating day, but I'm letting myself get away with it since I did run a half-marathon this morning and go for an hour long walk tonight. I certainly don't expect $13 weeks to happen very often, but this was a most welcome week for it, especially since I had had two very poor weeks before it.
Final thought for the night. Is it possible to not date someone because you've become too comfortable with them? Hear me out on this. Last night, while trying unsuccessfully to go to bed at 9:00 so I could be up at an awful hour for this morning's run, I thought about a lot of things and one of them ended up being this topic. Namely, I have a friend I've known for several years now who is Christian, very intelligent, attractive, incredibly athletic, and really easy for me to talk to. Depending on when you knew me in life, you either know who this is immediately or have no idea whatsoever. We never dated because we never really broached the subject, mostly because we were friends but not particularly close friends and mainly just did stuff together with group stuff. Additionally, when we first met, she was seeing someone and since we never really talked about things of this nature, I never knew when that was over. There were a few other reasons I wouldn't have initiated anything, including that I thought she was out of my league, but its become obvious to me that those things were wrong and I'd be very surprised if she wouldn't have gone out with me. I know she is single now, but even if I had the option, I don't know if I'd take it. Part of it is the long distance thing that I really don't want to do, but I also wonder if part of it is that I wouldn't get the excitement of getting to know someone new. When that happens, you get caught up in the rush of discovering and finding out all of these amazing things about them and its just a lot of fun. Sure, you'll eventually find out the bad stuff, but depending on how good the good is, the bad stuff either doesn't matter that much or you'll find ways to work through it. With this girl, I know there'd still be a lot of things to discover, but I somewhat feel like I know her already and since it hasn't happened yet, I don't know if it ever could. Its definitely not a friend-zone situation since I'm fairly certain we've both wanted something at some given point. I don't know. My brain does weird things when I'm trying to find a way to force myself to relax and go to sleep.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Thursday, May 1, 2014
We'll take her up and fly her blind and fall asleep to the engine whine
Alas, the feel good posts don't last. Sunday night Tori called me up and told me things weren't going to work. It didn't come from completely out of nowhere, but it did catch me totally by surprise as I certainly didn't think things would end this fast. She gave me the courtesy of discussing everything so we finally got that in last night and we talked it out and now we're officially over. Tori explained all of her reasons for wanting to end it and they are very legitimate reasons, but right now, I can't say I feel the same as I think they are all things we could work through. She's totally right in that there are a few ways in which we are completely different and perhaps this is for the best, but right now this one stings as I truly believe there could have been something great between us and for at least a little while, I know she felt exactly the same way. The way she handled things showed a great deal of maturity, but that's cold comfort when what you're desiring is rampant optimism combined with dedication.
We're not leaving this relationship on bad terms because we don't like each other. Maybe eventually someday we can be friends. (Edited for obvious reasons). Right now, all I can do is keep praying, thank God for the great/intense two months that we had together and start to move on while I rekindle the hope of finding the absolutely amazing woman God has planned to be my wife.
We're not leaving this relationship on bad terms because we don't like each other. Maybe eventually someday we can be friends. (Edited for obvious reasons). Right now, all I can do is keep praying, thank God for the great/intense two months that we had together and start to move on while I rekindle the hope of finding the absolutely amazing woman God has planned to be my wife.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
I don't want it, I just need it, to breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive
What's this? A positive, light-hearted post? Yeah, I figured it was time for one of those.
Spring's finally here and since it came late just like spring break did, that means its about time to enter summer vacation. I'm getting all amped up for the stuff I'm going to do this summer and its going to be awesome. Plane tickets, hotels and rental cars for Vegas/Utah are booked. The Indy Mini is next week already and if this week goes well, I should be able to run it fast. I will be going alcohol free this week to help with that as much as possible. I bought a pair of baseball cleats for church league softball. They are blue because I can't buy normal athletic shoes any more. Also, because its church league, they're plastic and not metal so you don't get that lovely clacking noise whenever you're walking over concrete. After playing throughout high school, that's one of the sounds I had come to love because of what it entailed. I've scoped out possible bourbon tours in Kentucky to accompany possible hiking trips. I've started firing up the grill again and I'll be disappointed if I don't go through a full tank of propane before the fall semester starts. Summer season even means some of the better light beers are back out including Bell's Smitten, a golden rye that's currently in my fridge that I think is rather decent.
Also, since its been on my mind recently, I felt like coming up a with list of the favorite albums I own. In no particular order, my top five are:
Thrice - The Artist in the Ambulance
The Offspring - Ignition
AFI - Black Sails in the Sunset
Rise Against - The Sufferer and the Witness
Tool - Aenima
Its hard to see this list and still claim I'm just a rock guy as there is probably a little more hard stuff in here than I originally would have expected. This really didn't help when I had been listening to Aenima Friday afternoon before going over to meet Tori's parents for the first time and her dad asked me about some of the stuff I listened to and my recall was only on Tool and there is absolutely no way that's the music I would initially want them to associate with me. The second five are a little more mellow. Once again, in no particular order.
Local H - Pack up the Cats
Hole - Celebrity Skin
Foo Fighters - The Colour and the Shape
Weezer - The Blue Album
Slipknot - Volume 3, The Subliminal Verses
I should note here that Queen's Greatest Hits would have easily cracked the top five, but was disqualified for being a greatest hits album. Also, I found it interesting that I valued consistent goodness over greatness, but with weakness mixed throughout, which is how something like Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness didn't make the cut. Others that were considered were Green Day's Dookie, Everclear's Sparkle and Fade, Metallica's Master of Puppets and Queens of the Stone Age's Songs for the Deaf.
Give me another two weeks and I'm sure this list will have changed.
Spring's finally here and since it came late just like spring break did, that means its about time to enter summer vacation. I'm getting all amped up for the stuff I'm going to do this summer and its going to be awesome. Plane tickets, hotels and rental cars for Vegas/Utah are booked. The Indy Mini is next week already and if this week goes well, I should be able to run it fast. I will be going alcohol free this week to help with that as much as possible. I bought a pair of baseball cleats for church league softball. They are blue because I can't buy normal athletic shoes any more. Also, because its church league, they're plastic and not metal so you don't get that lovely clacking noise whenever you're walking over concrete. After playing throughout high school, that's one of the sounds I had come to love because of what it entailed. I've scoped out possible bourbon tours in Kentucky to accompany possible hiking trips. I've started firing up the grill again and I'll be disappointed if I don't go through a full tank of propane before the fall semester starts. Summer season even means some of the better light beers are back out including Bell's Smitten, a golden rye that's currently in my fridge that I think is rather decent.
Also, since its been on my mind recently, I felt like coming up a with list of the favorite albums I own. In no particular order, my top five are:
Thrice - The Artist in the Ambulance
The Offspring - Ignition
AFI - Black Sails in the Sunset
Rise Against - The Sufferer and the Witness
Tool - Aenima
Its hard to see this list and still claim I'm just a rock guy as there is probably a little more hard stuff in here than I originally would have expected. This really didn't help when I had been listening to Aenima Friday afternoon before going over to meet Tori's parents for the first time and her dad asked me about some of the stuff I listened to and my recall was only on Tool and there is absolutely no way that's the music I would initially want them to associate with me. The second five are a little more mellow. Once again, in no particular order.
Local H - Pack up the Cats
Hole - Celebrity Skin
Foo Fighters - The Colour and the Shape
Weezer - The Blue Album
Slipknot - Volume 3, The Subliminal Verses
I should note here that Queen's Greatest Hits would have easily cracked the top five, but was disqualified for being a greatest hits album. Also, I found it interesting that I valued consistent goodness over greatness, but with weakness mixed throughout, which is how something like Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness didn't make the cut. Others that were considered were Green Day's Dookie, Everclear's Sparkle and Fade, Metallica's Master of Puppets and Queens of the Stone Age's Songs for the Deaf.
Give me another two weeks and I'm sure this list will have changed.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
The time is right, but I feel all wrong
First off, a little background with a post I had on Xanga last summer. I'd link to it but I'm pretty sure it doesn't exist anywhere else on the blagosphere. Its one of the most honest and poignant things I had written last year. Apologies for the formatting notation, but that's how Xanga gave it to me when it got rid of all my stuff.
'Here at the ACMS conference, I just listened to a quick talk by Francis Su recapping the talk he gave at the joint meetings in honor of his Haimo teaching award and some of the reaction that he had received from it. He essentially took the opportunity to talk about grace and how it affects his teaching and interaction with students.<br><br>I don't want to talk about it in terms of relating to my students, though. I want to talk about grace, pride, myself and math. I've always struggled with true grace. I know that to earn your salvation, you must be perfect and there was never any chance of that. I also know that Christ's grace is sufficient for me and thus, all of my sins have been covered, all my failures are not counted against me and that I've been given the best possible gift anyone could ever receive. That said, as a child, and more specifically, as a pastor's child, I always did assume that I was better than everyone else because I didn't sin in all the ways other kids did. I found excuses for my sins and assumed that since I sinned less, that that had to count for something and in some way, I was making myself at least somewhat justified. I patently knew that was a load of crap in my brain, but I didn't believe it with my heart. This has really manifested itself with math as well. I was shown amazing grace by God and would not be where I am now without His help. The first qual I passed was Algebra and I was shocked that I passed it. I passed my comp on my first go through, despite doing a piss poor job of answering the open questions at the end. Looking back, I can see the great hand of God's grace in these things, but immediately after they had happened, I gladly took the success, but took it with wounded pride. I wanted to pass them having rocked them. I wanted people to know that I had done this all on my own and that I was truly worthy of being a mathematician. Yeah, yeah, all the glory to God all that, but this was a time to celebrate me. My pride took a great blessing and somehow turned it into a burden. I'd love to say that I've dealt with this and that I've moved on, but my pride is a monster. I guarantee you that there are still times that I scornfully look down on the grace that God gives me immediately after I was praying for it. How do I conquer this? I don't know. It's the same reason I suck at forgiveness. It all has those roots in where I think I've earned more than others, remaining painfully oblivious of just how wretched a person I am.'
This came up again during a much needed talk last night. I freely admit I struggle with pride and how that relates to forgiveness and grace. There is hypocrisy there as I have certain sins that I make bigger than others but have my own sins that I casually sweep under the rug. With other people, its almost as if I decide, "hey, you struggle with the same sins I do, so everything's cool", but if you dare struggle with something else, then I need to judge you. There's more to it than that. With some of those close to me, I demand more from them than I'm willing to give and that's simply unfair to ask.
I need to really search my heart and just turn it over to God and let Him change this so I'm convicted of my own sins and yet still fully amenable to not only accepting grace but granting it to others. I prayed one of the prayers that scared me last night. "Dear Lord, please show me the true nature of my heart. Show me all the ugliness that exists there and show me how much I truly need your grace and forgiveness." I had some unusual dreams that may have spoken the answer metaphorically (I was a twisted/broken dog consistently running into a wall), but the answer is more likely that God just told me no because I'm probably not ready to see all that lies within myself. I don't know where this heads. All I can do is dig into my Bible further and make sure I'm constantly praying and communicating with God to see where I am and what, if anything, I need to do or if its just best to step aside and let him transform me.
The title of this post could really be replaced by any of Thrice's lyrics from the album The Artist in the Ambulance, but instead I'll leave you with these from The Abolition of Man,
"Wake up everyone! It's not too late
To save the remnants of our hearts,
So stop giving up our last shot at love,
Our only chance to find the meaning of
The beat beneath the blood."
'Here at the ACMS conference, I just listened to a quick talk by Francis Su recapping the talk he gave at the joint meetings in honor of his Haimo teaching award and some of the reaction that he had received from it. He essentially took the opportunity to talk about grace and how it affects his teaching and interaction with students.<br><br>I don't want to talk about it in terms of relating to my students, though. I want to talk about grace, pride, myself and math. I've always struggled with true grace. I know that to earn your salvation, you must be perfect and there was never any chance of that. I also know that Christ's grace is sufficient for me and thus, all of my sins have been covered, all my failures are not counted against me and that I've been given the best possible gift anyone could ever receive. That said, as a child, and more specifically, as a pastor's child, I always did assume that I was better than everyone else because I didn't sin in all the ways other kids did. I found excuses for my sins and assumed that since I sinned less, that that had to count for something and in some way, I was making myself at least somewhat justified. I patently knew that was a load of crap in my brain, but I didn't believe it with my heart. This has really manifested itself with math as well. I was shown amazing grace by God and would not be where I am now without His help. The first qual I passed was Algebra and I was shocked that I passed it. I passed my comp on my first go through, despite doing a piss poor job of answering the open questions at the end. Looking back, I can see the great hand of God's grace in these things, but immediately after they had happened, I gladly took the success, but took it with wounded pride. I wanted to pass them having rocked them. I wanted people to know that I had done this all on my own and that I was truly worthy of being a mathematician. Yeah, yeah, all the glory to God all that, but this was a time to celebrate me. My pride took a great blessing and somehow turned it into a burden. I'd love to say that I've dealt with this and that I've moved on, but my pride is a monster. I guarantee you that there are still times that I scornfully look down on the grace that God gives me immediately after I was praying for it. How do I conquer this? I don't know. It's the same reason I suck at forgiveness. It all has those roots in where I think I've earned more than others, remaining painfully oblivious of just how wretched a person I am.'
This came up again during a much needed talk last night. I freely admit I struggle with pride and how that relates to forgiveness and grace. There is hypocrisy there as I have certain sins that I make bigger than others but have my own sins that I casually sweep under the rug. With other people, its almost as if I decide, "hey, you struggle with the same sins I do, so everything's cool", but if you dare struggle with something else, then I need to judge you. There's more to it than that. With some of those close to me, I demand more from them than I'm willing to give and that's simply unfair to ask.
I need to really search my heart and just turn it over to God and let Him change this so I'm convicted of my own sins and yet still fully amenable to not only accepting grace but granting it to others. I prayed one of the prayers that scared me last night. "Dear Lord, please show me the true nature of my heart. Show me all the ugliness that exists there and show me how much I truly need your grace and forgiveness." I had some unusual dreams that may have spoken the answer metaphorically (I was a twisted/broken dog consistently running into a wall), but the answer is more likely that God just told me no because I'm probably not ready to see all that lies within myself. I don't know where this heads. All I can do is dig into my Bible further and make sure I'm constantly praying and communicating with God to see where I am and what, if anything, I need to do or if its just best to step aside and let him transform me.
The title of this post could really be replaced by any of Thrice's lyrics from the album The Artist in the Ambulance, but instead I'll leave you with these from The Abolition of Man,
"Wake up everyone! It's not too late
To save the remnants of our hearts,
So stop giving up our last shot at love,
Our only chance to find the meaning of
The beat beneath the blood."
Monday, April 21, 2014
If I don't meet you no more in this world
Anderson gave everyone a four day weekend (Friday off for Good Friday, Monday off for a travel day after Easter) and I took advantage to say some possible goodbyes. First, I drove up to my parents house so I could see them for the Easter break. On Saturday, Dad and I went out and picked Grandma and went out to see Grandpa. Its tough seeing him each time just because of how much of his brain the dementia has affected. We visited with him for about an hour and a half and I don't think he actually knew who I was for the vast majority of it. Near the end, I think things started to click a little bit, but once again, its always tough to see someone fall that far. He is 93 though and it feels weird to say, but I actually hope that was the last time I see him. Its so painfully obvious that he's ready to move on and meet his maker, but for some reason, God hasn't called him home yet. I'm actually praying for this to happen just so Grandpa can find peace and happiness. While it was a tough visit, Coop did remind me Sunday night that at least I got to say my good-byes and see him one last time and how much that actually means.
My other potential goodbye would have been to East Lansing. I wanted to get out and talk to Andrew about some of the project I'll be working on this summer for expanding SDC. More on that in a little bit. Sunday night I drove out and took Coop out to dinner, then spent some time just walking around campus and I'm surprised by how much I actually miss that place. For how much of it was a struggle, I have a great fondness for MSU and it will always have a special place in my heart. Sunday night I then crashed at Richard's and caught up with him before he defends on Wednesday. This was the reason I thought it might be goodbye as most of the remaining math guys I know at MSU are defending and moving on and who knows when I'll get the chance to see them again. After this year, Coop's still around for a year as are Kenny and Eric and Luke, and while I like the guys, they aren't the strongest of the friendships I've made, but a lot of that is just because I had less time to interact with them. This morning, I went and found Andrew and we talked about summer plans a little bit and I discussed projects with Matt and David as well. I got lost about ten minutes in, so nothing's changed. Half an hour into the talk I was questioning myself, just wondering what exactly I had gotten myself into. However, things started looking a little better near the end and now I'll be headed back out to EL at least once or twice this summer to get some work done. Besides that, I promised Coop that I'd be out for her defense next summer, so I've still got excuses to head back to State. I followed that talk up with lunch with Adam and a couple games of cribbage with Kim, so all in all, it was a good time, but fairly exhausting and now I'm tired and really should just go to bed.
My other potential goodbye would have been to East Lansing. I wanted to get out and talk to Andrew about some of the project I'll be working on this summer for expanding SDC. More on that in a little bit. Sunday night I drove out and took Coop out to dinner, then spent some time just walking around campus and I'm surprised by how much I actually miss that place. For how much of it was a struggle, I have a great fondness for MSU and it will always have a special place in my heart. Sunday night I then crashed at Richard's and caught up with him before he defends on Wednesday. This was the reason I thought it might be goodbye as most of the remaining math guys I know at MSU are defending and moving on and who knows when I'll get the chance to see them again. After this year, Coop's still around for a year as are Kenny and Eric and Luke, and while I like the guys, they aren't the strongest of the friendships I've made, but a lot of that is just because I had less time to interact with them. This morning, I went and found Andrew and we talked about summer plans a little bit and I discussed projects with Matt and David as well. I got lost about ten minutes in, so nothing's changed. Half an hour into the talk I was questioning myself, just wondering what exactly I had gotten myself into. However, things started looking a little better near the end and now I'll be headed back out to EL at least once or twice this summer to get some work done. Besides that, I promised Coop that I'd be out for her defense next summer, so I've still got excuses to head back to State. I followed that talk up with lunch with Adam and a couple games of cribbage with Kim, so all in all, it was a good time, but fairly exhausting and now I'm tired and really should just go to bed.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
What do you do for money, honey?
Shame on me for posting this to the blog after I've already posted it to facebook and twitter(?!?), but the faculty development grant I applied for came through and now I'll be getting paid a little extra to do the work I was already going to do. Now I just need to make sure to do a proper write up of the work by the end of summer after hopefully getting something resembling legitimate results. This does guarantee though that I will spend a decent amount of time on math this semester instead of just teaching on Tuesday and Thursday nights and spending all of my weekends out hiking. This does help make up for the money I'll lose by only teaching one class instead of three.
That said, is it mid-May yet? I need to clear my mind and Utah seems like a great place to do it.
That said, is it mid-May yet? I need to clear my mind and Utah seems like a great place to do it.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Pressure's building up inside, I gotta let it out tonight
Did you ever have a day where everything's going fairly well, just to have a spur of the moment decision bring failure, followed by a little radio silence and a rainstorm just bring you absolutely down in the dumps? That's how today went. I went to get a workout in, just because I knew I'd feel worse if I didn't, but all I really wanted to do was crank up old school Offspring and go outside and walk around my apartment complex in a jacket and hat to state my defiance of the rain in the hopes that would help.
Something happened though about 20 minutes into the workout. My most recent scripture memory passage came back to me - Philippians 4:6,7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." So I did the only thing I could. I stopped what I was doing and fell facedown on the floor and prayed and poured out my heart. By the time I was five words in, I had surprised myself by what I was praying and learned what was truly on my heart. After getting it out, I felt better. Immediately thereafter though, God showed me what my prayer should have been, so I stopped again and prayed that. My mood immediately lifted and I continued on with my workout.
I still took that walk though. I made it about 20 steps before I realized that God was showing me yet again just how big He is. That despite the dark and dreariness and discomfort, that this is just another storm to get through and everything will be okay. That even though the wind and cold rain doesn't necessarily feel great, it still brings life with it. As long as I realize how big my God is, nothing can get to me.
On a less serious note, did you ever have a day when you were doing upright rows with adjustable dumbbells, but let them get too close to your chest on a rep and one of them ends up catching you and scraping your nipple? Yeah, that also happened today. Between this and the running, oh, my poor nipples.
Something happened though about 20 minutes into the workout. My most recent scripture memory passage came back to me - Philippians 4:6,7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." So I did the only thing I could. I stopped what I was doing and fell facedown on the floor and prayed and poured out my heart. By the time I was five words in, I had surprised myself by what I was praying and learned what was truly on my heart. After getting it out, I felt better. Immediately thereafter though, God showed me what my prayer should have been, so I stopped again and prayed that. My mood immediately lifted and I continued on with my workout.
I still took that walk though. I made it about 20 steps before I realized that God was showing me yet again just how big He is. That despite the dark and dreariness and discomfort, that this is just another storm to get through and everything will be okay. That even though the wind and cold rain doesn't necessarily feel great, it still brings life with it. As long as I realize how big my God is, nothing can get to me.
On a less serious note, did you ever have a day when you were doing upright rows with adjustable dumbbells, but let them get too close to your chest on a rep and one of them ends up catching you and scraping your nipple? Yeah, that also happened today. Between this and the running, oh, my poor nipples.
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