I was born without this fear

What a summer.  There were trips to Chicago, Milwaukee, East Lansing, Grand Rapids, Las Vegas, Utah, Kansas City, St. Louis, Portland, Bellingham and twice to Kentucky.  I put a ton of miles on my car and nearly another 1500 on rentals.  I would love to have all of my summers look like this from now on if I could simply afford it.  In a straight comparison with most people, I would probably qualify as underpaid, but I just like to think that I could get paid in time over the summer.  If you take my salary and multiply by 1.5 to accommodate for the fact that I only work for eight months, it makes things look a lot better.

That said, the extra money that would come with a full twelve months of work would be nice.  I see what my friends have and I know there's no way I could currently support a wife, kids and the mortgage on a $250,000 house.  I get a little anxious about my car now too as its about at the mileage where my last car crapped out.  Of all those things, I could probably afford one at the most right now.  Thankfully, Indy is quite cheap and so my house won't be nearly that expensive.  Someone could see my travels and think I've got a fear of missing out.  Its not that.  I see the things my friends have and its not that I feel like I'm missing out, but rather, I fear that I'm falling behind compared to all of them.  I feel like some of the benchmarks of the early 30s (family and home) are things I should have by now.  There is the obvious reason behind it as the vast majority of my friends didn't spend seven years in grad school making just enough to survive.  I know I just need to be patient as these things will come.  I should revel in the fact that I am doing exactly what I want to do and I am exploiting the fact that I essentially have summers off if I so desire.  I get it, I really do.  Its just hard for me to be patient, especially now that I have this massive list of places I want to visit that gets longer by the day.

I know what I've done but tell me what have I missed

There's roughly six hours of summer left so it's time to discuss the summer goals.

1) Hike Utah's Mighty Five. Done. Awesome.  I would do it again in a second.

2) Explore Kentucky.  I did.  Red River Gorge and three distilleries with Roger.  Several passages in Mammoth Cave with a bunch of people I wish weren't there.  It was still fun.

3) Drink homemade beer.  Success! Thanks Jon.

4) Do actual mathematical research of expanding spectral deferred correction.  Failure, but only because I didn't do it on SDC.  Instead, I worked on trying to figure out stability regions and so far that hasn't been overly successful.

5) Catch up on scripture memory.  This failed.  It went well for the first 6-8 weeks or so and then it just fell off.

6) Get involved in church sports.  I never did check out volleyball but I will eventually.  Softball was a success and we won both the regular season championship and the season ending tournament.  I'm counting this as a success since I didn't count anything from the math side.

7) Watch the original Star Wars trilogy.  Nope, still didn't do it, but I did see them on Jon's movie shelf.

8) Build a wine glass shelf.  Thanks Dad.  It still looks good.

9) Complete P90X2.  Nope, not even close.  I gave up after four weeks.  Now I'm fat. Sigh.

10) Eat no fast food within 75 miles of Anderson.  I held out for the first two months, but that's it.

5 of 10 done.  Goal-wise, it wasn't super great, but with all my traveling, it was one heck of a summer and I can't complain.  I'll have another post up in the next couple of days dealing with my travels.

You walk this world like you're a ghost

As I'm sure you've noticed, its been a little while since I've posted.  Since you're fairly astute, I'm assuming you've noticed that I didn't post a monthly update on my goals for July.  Well, my excuse is this: I've been traveling quite a bit.  My last post came from LDub's place up in Washington where I was in the midst of a Pacific Northwest trip for 8 days which concluded with a day of travel that started at 9:30 a.m. and mercifully ended at 3:30 a.m.  I then had one day off which I chose to spend on a date with Lindsey, who I am now introducing to this blog, but I've discussed her with most of you who regularly read this, with the exception of that guy from Finland that's shown up more than once, so I don't need to update you too much.  Immediately after that, I headed out to spend some quality time with Mom's side of the family on M Island.  Here are a few thoughts to update you on everything that's been happening in the meantime.

1) Its a good thing the sibling-off didn't happen this weekend because I got beat at everything.  Kelsey beat me in fishing, Rick and Sara consistently beat Audrey and me in Euchre, my only victory in Gloom came on a technicality, everyone beat me in bags, Julie beat me in Phase 10, etc.

2) I've become Fatty McLazyButt lately.  I haven't utilized my scale in a couple of weeks and I'm expecting/terrified of seeing it read 185+ tomorrow morning.  Traveling means you get to eat a lot of good food but my exercising has been pretty much nil and it shows.  I'll definitely need to start running again and get back to lifting, especially leg lifts since I still have tiny knees and my gut keeps getting bigger.  I will be signing up for next May's Flying Pig Marathon fairly soon though, so that should start giving me some motivation.  On a related note to me being fat, pulled pork nachos with blueberry salsa are delicious and you should try it.

3) Traveling has allowed me to hit up plenty of good beer for the summer, so that's a plus.  I sampled some of Jon's home brew, checked out Full Sail brewery, Chuckanut Brewery, Wander Brewing plus had Shock Top, HUB, Nicie Spicie, Arcadia Whitsun, etc. and I'm currently enjoying a Sierra Nevada.  Yes, the etc. there is the beer I had at Bob's up in Lynden that I forgot the name of.  Perhaps Luke will chime in and remind me of what it was. Edit: Luke came through.  It was Mac and Jack's African Amber.

4) I'm not actually ready for school to start as I haven't prepped for Real at all yet and I haven't updated any of my syllabi or moodle classes yet, but mentally, yeah, I'm ready for school to start.  Don't get me wrong, this summer of traveling has been awesome and I officially got the "I hate you" from my sister because of it, which is pretty much the reaction I was going for, but its taken a toll on me physically and financially and I'm ready for an 8 month break from it.  There's still a trip down to Mammoth cave next weekend where I finally get to break in my tent and a trip to Chicago for a fantasy football draft the weekend after that, but things are finally starting to slow down.

5) It'll be nice to finally get back to my own church tomorrow.  I'm officially being introduced as a member even though I officially joined back in early May.  There was another introductory service but that was when I was in Utah.  I definitely got lucky with this service since I've missed the past three weeks and will miss the next two as well.

You have always been my safe home

My most recent round of travels has brought me back to the Pacific Northwest.  I flew into Portland on Wednesday and spent a couple days out there with Jon and Rachel.  Jon had to work so I was out exploring with Rachel with their two girls in tow.  Due to this, everybody who saw us assumed we were a family and occasionally, we'd interact with strangers and whenever a question came up, I'd defer to Rachel about the girls since they're not my kids.  After a little while, it struck me that I look like a fairly aloof dad.  Portland's a good city but I'm not sure if its somewhere I would ever truly fit in.  Jon and Rachel aren't hipsters, but Portland is their kind of city.

Saturday afternoon, I hopped on the BoltBus from Portland up to Bellingham because a trip isn't complete until your butt is sore from sitting on a bus for six hours.  About 20 miles south of Bellingham, I first saw the exit for Chuckanut Drive and the nostalgia started to seep in.  The rest of the way in consisted of remembering landmarks and reviving memories.  The few days I've had here have been wonderful.  I got to see how the city has expanded into a beer city (but not Beer City, which is still GR's title), followed by a hike in the forest the next afternoon and hanging out with a couple from grad school that I hadn't seen in two+ years who had just recently moved out there.  Last night, Luke brought me around to some of the sentimental places in Lynden.  The one that hit me the most was driving by our old house.  The garden is gone, the basketball hoop is gone, the evergreens are taller and the fireplace looks like its been updated, but other than that, it looked exactly the same.  I was tempted to have Luke stop and see if I could go inside for a little bit and even more tempted just to climb up onto the roof, but discretion ruled out.  The west coast is definitely a place I could see myself coming back to, with the biggest drawback obviously being my family still being in the Midwest.  Tonight I'll be going out to Bob's for a burger and a brew with several of the guys from high school.  This trip has been good and its a shame it's been ten years since I was last here.

Summertime and the living's easy

My last scheduled hike for the summer required a little bit of fortitude.  Roger and I drove out to Red River Gorge from Lexington on Sunday morning and pulled into the Bison Way trailhead around 9:30.  Ten minutes into the hike out to the Indian Staircase, we turned around due to a lightning flash and rumbling thunder and the annoyance of the rain that came with it.  We hung out in the car for about 40 minutes until everything passed by and made our way up to the staircase which presented a fun "scramble".  We got to the top of the staircase and wandered around for a little bit before stumbling upon a really cool bluff and taking lunch underneath it.  We started to make our way back to the staircase and lo and behold, the rain started to pick up before the thunder and lightning started back up.  As we were about to descend an exposed rock face, we decided it would be best to run back to the bluff and wait out the storm there.  We later learned how much better of an idea this was as there was a tornado warning in the area.  We eventually made it back down the trail and back to the car but decided to forego the hike out to double arch due to the weather.

I have officially been bit by the hiking bug.  There was the trip out to Vegas and Utah as well as sidetrips around St. Louis after coming back from Kansas City in addition to this trip out to Kentucky.  I've still got a camping trip out to Mammoth Cave that will surely include some hiking, but nothing big.  I'm headed out to Portland/Bellingham shortly and if possible, I'd like to knock out some hiking out there.  The bigger issue though is all the hikes that I want to do.  Heather and Mary will always tempt me to come out to Denver and I'd definitely do Longs Peak now.  Just as tempting is Megan's invite to come hike Northern Utah with her.  Uncle Bob and Aunt Bev have let me know that I've got everything I could need when I come down to hike New Mexico which I've wanted to do for a couple of years now.  Add on the big trips I'd love to knock out next summer. First, another road trip with Luke, but this one ranging through the National Parks of Southern California which are King's Canyon, Sequoia, Death Valley, and Yosemite, where I'd conquer Half Dome if I could get the permit.  Secondly, I'd love to do an epic hiking trip in the Northeast including some combination of Franconia Ridge, Mt. Mansfield, Mt. Washington, Katahdin, Cadillac Mountain and Acadia's Precipice Trail.  That would also give me a chance to go visit Crystal near Boston and play around on a trapeze.  On top of all that, include the return trips I want to do, such as going back to Gatlinburg to do the Boulevard route up to Mt. Cammerer and trying out the Via Ferrata hiking in Red River Gorge.  This would all be impossible to do next summer assuming I teach in June and July again.  Heck, it might not be doable even if I had the entire summer free and significantly more funds.  I've joked about needing a sugar mama.  What I really need is a sponsor and some better camera equipment.

I can't help feeling like I'm due for a miracle

Its approaching 1 a.m. on Sunday morning and I can't shut my mind off which means I can't fall asleep.  It might have had something to do with that nap I took this afternoon as well.  Therefore, you're getting a story I've told several times before of the first time I got into this terrible habit of napping in the afternoon and not being able to fall asleep promptly at night.

As I was finishing high school, I decided I wanted to get away and start fresh for college and so I left the confines of Northwest Washington for suburban Chicago.  It took a couple weeks for me to establish friendships, but once I did, my freshman year was fantastic.  My parents, however, were so distraught at being that far away from me that they decided to move to Michigan that following summer.  At least, that's the reason I choose to believe.  Either way, once spring semester ended, I got one last week in Washington and packed up and headed out to Michigan and it flat out sucked.  It was pretty terrible for all of us out there to start.  We didn't know anyone, we didn't know what to do and for the first few days I was out there, we didn't even have most of our stuff.  It was boring.  I missed my friends from high school.  My best friend from college was in California and my girlfriend was in Wisconsin and I started a countdown until I got to go back to school on day two of summer vacation.  The only thing getting me through were the nightly AIM conversations with my girlfriend.

Fast forward a couple of weeks to where I've at least got my job at Soundoff, which is a testament to prayer in itself, but that story isn't being told now.  I've also moved out of my bedroom on the top floor and onto a spare bed behind a curtain (sheet?) in a corner of the basement.  I couldn't tell you why I did it; I couldn't have told you why I did it then, but its what I preferred.  Perhaps its just what I was comfortable with since my room at home in Lynden was on the basement floor as well.  Anyway, I was working first shift with my hours being something like 7:00-3:30 and then since I had nothing to do, besides the occasional run or shooting hoops by myself, I'd take an afternoon nap.  This became a vicious cycle I couldn't get out of.  I took one nap and then couldn't fall asleep that night and end up with only four or five hours of sleep.  Soundoff was definitely a job I needed, but it certainly wasn't work that was going to challenge me so my energy was spent just getting through the day and then I'd come up home and end up napping again.  I tried so hard to break that cycle.  I consciously fought the urge to nap, but it didn't matter.  Even on the days when I was able to keep myself awake all afternoon, there was still an ingrained tiredness that I had to fight through and when I got through that, I'd be awake and the next thing you do, I'd be laying in bed, staring at the clock as it tells me its one in the morning and I have to be up at 5:30.  It was a miserable experience and I hated it and about the only thing that could compare since then would be the loneliness of my first year of grad school.  That summer was even the first time I struggled with a nihilistic worldview.  Why fight this when life is ultimately meaningless?  However, even in that vortex of suck, something wonderful emerged.  In the times when I felt like I was hitting rock bottom, I still turned to prayer and a tremendous tranquility and the most assured peace I've ever felt would come over me.  I would literally (yes, literally) feel my soul and my entire being being held oh so gently in the palm of God's hand.  I could feel the curves of his hand as I nestled there and He assured that me that even though everything was awful and nothing like what I wanted it to be, that I was taken care of and that nothing could possibly come between Him and me.  The nights when this would happen had such a powerful effect on me that when I first recanted this story at a GradIV Bible study some five or six years later, I had to fight back tears as I told it.  To this day, its still the closest I've ever felt to my creator.

Experiences such as that are the reasons why no matter how deeply I ever get involved with science and all of the people there who want to wish away God, I never will join them.  I had one week in grad school where I had the audacity to tell God that I was going to just stop believing He existed.  That lasted for about an hour.  I've had a good friend ask me if I would be a Christian had I not been raised one.  Honestly, the experience most likely would have been different had I not been a believer at the time, but why change history?  With the experiences I've had and the knowledge that God can manifest Himself to us in any way He so desires, I know that He's there and He's in control.

That's my story.  I'm going back to bed.  Good night all.

I'm being myself, who are you?

I know who I am.  I'm not perfect. There's no need to nod that vigorously.  But yeah, I've got my rough edges and I can be a little raw and can be somewhat abrasive at times.  I like this about myself as I never want to be a finished product.  Certain ex-girlfriends would gladly volunteer that there are times when I can be an insensitive clod.  Its not that bad though - I have been very well liked by every ex's mom though.  I am the type of guy you bring home to mom.  I just don't necessarily fit in with the upper class of society and I like it that way.  I can't wait to have a five year old son so we can share a sense of humor because I still do love me a good fart joke.  I know who I am, but I don't always identify the way I should.  This comes back to something Scott preached about yesterday.  Its easy to start listing off all the things that make me me, but I don't always identify in Christ the way I should.  When things start to go wrong (because of things I've done), I get down on myself instead of seeing myself the way God does, as a clean and forgiven creation of His, and seriously, how awesome is that?  Instead of letting things spiral further, there needs to be a point where I just shake it off and move on and try harder the next time.  Legalism gets nobody anywhere.  I just finished Mark Batterson's "In a pit with a lion on a snowy day" and one of the big things I took away from that was to stop worrying about all of the little things I've done wrong and to start focusing instead on all the things I can do right.  We've all sinned and fallen short and we all definitely will keep doing that continuously.  Knowing that though, let's do something with what we have and step up and see what amazing things we can do instead.