There's one for the sorrow and two for the joy

Last night, I asked Lindsey what I should write about for this week's happy post since I wasn't really sure.  Jokingly, she told me that I should write about the entire Digiornio pizza I had eaten for lunch and dinner. If I get to the point where the happiest part of my week is a pizza, its a really bad week.  If nothing else, it should be at least a pizza and a beer. But I mean seriously, pizza is absolutely delicious and quite possibly my favorite food, but if a pizza that I didn't even make is the highlight of my week, come hang out with me because I'm struggling.

Tonight I've gotten serious about writing up my promotion application.  I spent the last hour and a half just writing up two pages on my teaching effectiveness.  There have been times when I've struggled with doubts about my ability as a professor.  There's certainly not the daily issues with fraud syndrome like there were in grad school and I am so incredibly happy that that isn't the case. (Side note: the worst episode may have been when I passed my comp but felt like I scraped by and had basically been given a pass and didn't even really want to celebrate.  Thank God (not used flippantly) for Cheryl who made me go out and enjoy it.) But yeah, there are times when the upperclassmen I have just don't do the basic things they know they should be doing and I really wonder if its because they don't respect me as a prof.  Then I go through all of my AU student evaluations and I get a reprieve from that.  I've given out 9 evaluations over the past 3 years (should be at least 12, but twice it didn't happen for various reasons), and of the 109 students that have rated me, on the questions, 'Overall, I rate this instructor as excellent', on a scale of 1-5, 64 have given me a 5 with a further 31 giving me a 4.  12 have given me a 3 with one each giving me either a 1 or 2. I can explain those two low ones as students who just didn't want to work and were upset that I didn't cater to them as they expected.  So yeah, seeing that makes me feel good.  I've been critical of many teachers in the past (hi, basically everybody. Sorry about that.), and if I take it back, its not because the job is super difficult (its definitely not easy though), but its because you have to deal with being at the mercy of the opinions of people who don't know what's best for themselves and then blame you when things go wrong because that's easier than accepting their own fault.  I guarantee that at least one teacher you know owns a mouthguard because they grind their teeth in their sleep because of the stress of the crap you put them through.

In the whispers when no one's around

Thankfully, I've gotten back into the habit of lifting on MWF mornings.  Since I have calculus at 8 a.m., this means I have to be in the gym and lifting by 6:15 so I can be done and showered and walking to my office by 7:15.  On days like these, that means I get to walk over as the first light of dawn breaks through.  This morning, there was also a good layer of fog enshrouding everything, giving the whole morning this surreal feel you get like when you're encapsulated in a good book and your imagination has become intensely vivid.  We have a pretty college campus and so my walk was illuminated by street lamps, just adding to the entire feel of the morning.  Its a great way to start the day and hopefully an omen of great things to come.  Praise to our creator who makes all beautiful things.

Some say it was Greenland, some say Mexico

First off, seriously, how good could the Meat Puppets had been bad Kurt Cobain actually sung for them full time?

It was a rather uneventful week.  It was exam 1 week so that dominated everything as I had to give and grade three exams which meant there wasn't a whole lot for me to talk about on what made me happy since my ability to write an exam isn't anything special.  Based on today's blog title, you'd expect it to be about travel and that's what I was originally intending it to be.  However, Friday was fine and we had President Pistole's inauguration and the speech was given by Comey, the current deputy director of the FBI and that was all good, but for some reason, the rest of the day was just a giant downer and I have absolutely no reason why.

So instead, that's what today's post is about.  I like that I can talk about when I have bad days or when I failures and shortcomings.  When I went back through my old posts on Xanga, I was surprised by how many things I talked about openly, but that was mostly about girls I liked and anger at math teachers (most of that was dumb, but I was a dumb angry kid, even in grad school, probably even still now - dumb still, not as angry).  Now, on this one, I've opened up about more meaningful things, such as fighting through loneliness, struggling with porn, not knowing where I want to be, and yeah, still some relationship stuff, some of which was stupid and some which wasn't, but all of this stuff has been genuine and authentic.  It may not be things I want my family and friends to know about me.  Yes, I may wish they saw me as perfect, but I'm not anywhere close to that.  Once I've been much more able to open up about these things, I've been better able to receive grace since I'm not believing this facade about myself.  I'm awesome, but at the same time, I suck and that's okay and I like that.

I'm that kid in the corner

I'm a day late on getting my happiness post from the weekend up.  Sorry about that.  This weekend's post actually covers an event that happened last weekend.  Last Saturday, one of my colleagues invited over everyone in AU's school of science and engineering over to his house as a way to welcome in the new engineering faculty.  Lindsey and I were one of the first ones to get there so we got to see when everyone else showed up.  A short time later, one of my fellow math colleagues shows up with his three year old daughter, who we'll call A.  There's a handful of other young(ish) children there and A isn't usually shy so she originally goes off to play with them on the trampoline.  She wants to get in with them, but since most of them are significantly older (other kids were 5-13), she's intimidated and actually heads off a little ways and kinda sulks a little bit because she's got a decent amount of attitude for a three year old girl.  I notice this and a couple of minutes later, I excuse myself from talking with my fellow professors and go talk to A.  I ask her if she wants to go jump on the trampoline with me since the other kids are still on it.  I figure I know what its like to be the kid that's off to the side and wants to get involved but would prefer it to happen on the terms I like so I'm going to watch out for other kids in the same situation.  This isn't to say anything bad about the other kids because they were all really friendly, but I think A just wanted someone there whom she knew to make it not so overwhelming.  So yeah, that's me - protector of little kids that I know well.  I still hate strangers kids when they're loud and annoying in public but I'm actually quite good with kids I know.  We ended up playing some form of Duck, Duck, Goose that didn't really follow the rules at all, but a good time was had so everyone was happy.  There's actually a pretty awesome picture of me and A playing but I don't think that's going to be put out on social media.  Sorry everyone.

I never wanted any more than I could fit into my head

Yay! Back to positive posts. I'm going to try to make it a regular (every Friday? every weekend?) where I post good things for the week or just things I like about myself because it certainly can't hurt to have a positive outlook about things.  This week, I like that I'm constantly trying to learn new things an fit as much stuff into my head.  Apparently, taking two Spanish classes was enough for a sabbatical for one of AU's profs so I'm not sure what I should get for just taking one because I could fit it into my schedule.  I'm still a little terrified whenever we have to speak in front of the entire class, even if it is just introducing ourselves or saying where we're from.  Somehow, I'm worried about a bunch of 20 year olds whom I had never met before judging my ability in Spanish I to be less than stellar despite the fact that by now, I'm sure they know that I'm a math professor.  I should never be this self-conscious, but whatever, I'm learning a new language simply because I can.  I'm putting myself out there and learning more about my students and reminding myself of what it was like and hopefully that will help me be a better teacher.  Gracias por escuchar (okay, for reading and not listening, but I don't know the word for reading yet).

What's the hurry? Where ya gotta go?

Okay, I'm over two weeks late, but its finally here.  This is my summer goal recap.  Before even looking at the goals, I'm happy with how it went.  I got to travel a couple of places and experience some new things and yet still not have all the full responsibilities of being an adult.  Hooray liberal arts professor!  Here we go:

1) Run the Flying Pig Marathon. Success! Done in 3:52 so while it was 20 minutes off my p.r., it was still a success.  I ran it with a partial tear of my left patellar tendon and even worse, my ankle started to lock up at around mile 9, but thankfully, that worked itself out fairly quickly.  Around mile 20 though, I started cramping and by mile 22, it was pretty bad.  By the time I finished, every muscle was cramping and I basically was walking in to the finish.  I took GU at mile 18 and that upset my stomach and I ended up puking before getting back to the car.  Yeah, it was a good time and I've got a big old medal with a pig on it.  Next year, I'm sticking to half marathons.

2) Take 3+ awesome pictures of California.  Success! You're all friends with me on facebook.  You've seen the photos.  I don't know if you can take bad pictures of the Yosemite valley.  Pinnacles is sweet too, if it is rather small (not Hot Springs small, but close) for a national park.

3) Watch Fermat's Room and read Journey Through Genius and Mathematics Through the Eyes of Faith.  Success! Fermat's Room was disappointing and it won't be watched again.  I will likely be using Mathematics Through.... in class next semester, but it was obvious that it borrowed heavily through Journey... but I wouldn't necessarily recommend either for the casual reader.

4) Do analysis on starting hands for Texas Hold 'Em.  Failure, partially because its already done and partially because I didn't do any mathematical research over summer.  I do want to do a blackjack study on implementing a dealer floor sometime though.  Maybe next summer.

5) Find more opportunities to volunteer.  Failure.  I found a couple more opportunities but never acted on them.  My bad.

6) Bike 100+ miles.  Success! ROC Michigan and its 60 miles over a weekend and training for that surely helped.

7) Failure.  Maybe next summer.

8) Initiate the home buying process.  I'm calling this a success.  I will not be buying a home this year, but I found a basic idea of what I can afford plus checked out a couple of open houses and have a much better idea of what I can get and where I can get it and I feel like I'll be much better prepared when I really go on the market for next summer.

9) Hike another 14er and not do it solo.  Success! I brought Julie and Lisa with me to conquer Mt. Bierstadt.  They both enjoyed it and we got some nice pictures on the way.  I was a little scared I'd have to help Lisa hobble down most of the way, but she toughed it out and I'm proud of both her and Julie for getting through it.  We also got to see marmots, mountain goats and sheep so it was a good wildlife viewing trip as well.

10) Host the math guys for a game night. Failure.  I still want to do this sometime this semester and it will happen eventually.

All told, 6/10 but I'm quite happy with how it went.  Its not the greatest summer ever, but it was definitely above average.

Mucho gusto, me llamo

Sorry for the delay in posting, but I was busy living out the last month of summer including a trip up to the bottom half of Sleeping Bear Dunes, a week at Menninga Island and a quick trip out to Denver.  I'll write up all about the end of summer in my next post which'll be about my success on this summer's goals list.

Instead, here's a quick post about the start of this semester, which set me up with an awesome schedule.  I have Calc I MTWF at 8 and 10 and Numerical on MWF at 9.  Seriously, that's it.  Nothing past noon and nothing on Thursday.  So what did I do?  I picked up that extra night section of Finite to once again supplement my income.  I also picked up a section of SPAN 1010 (as a student, not the worst professor ever) because my Spanish is limited to what I picked up from the migrant workers while working the berry fields in junior high.  That Spanish is not useful.  Besides, when I was in Puerto Rico, a couple natives started speaking to me in Spanish and I was completely lost.  I'd like to be able to travel to non-English speaking countries and be able to survive so I'm hoping this goes well and that I'll be able to continue it in the spring semester as well.  First things first though, is that this class is mildly terrifying.  There are two students in the class who have taken a math class with me and they did not do overly well and I don't know how they feel towards me.  That's not even the big issue though.  I'm used to being the one in charge and with that, I have mastery of the subject material and now I've changed the dynamic so I know jack squat.  Its even made harder by the fact that its a foreign language so even my ability to communicate properly has been stripped away.  I don't know how Lindsey loves this stuff and flourishes in it, but more power to her.  Nearing the end of this first week, there's a decent number of people in the class who realize that I am a professor and I'm not sure if they have expectations that I'll excel at this.  I know my ego wants me to excel, but I think its probably best for everyone if they can see me struggle but also see the work ethic that I have developed which will hopefully help me get better and learn to say more than just my name.  One thing I am waiting for is the day when I slip and drop back into my German and just really start confusing my languages.

Also, a quick update on my knee since I got that checked out this morning.  The doctor told me I have an atypical injury in that I do have a partial tear of my patellar tendon, but I essentially tore the back of the tendon.  All of my other tendons and ligaments are fine and there's no immediate action that is needed.  Its sore simply because the tear happened in a very dynamic place and it will take a while for the scar tissue to stabilize.  He wants me to come back if things are still painful at the end of winter.