I don't want to let you go

Since everyone's been so patient with me on this blog, let me give you something honest and raw today.  All lyrics are from Brand New's Sink.

I don't want to let you go/But it hurts my hands to hold the rope/I won't be such an easy mark/You're no better than they say

Jump back to late April - things were good for me.  I had had a good semester and the school year was winding down.  Plans were in place to spend a couple days with Lisa in Vegas and then a week hiking Utah with Luke.  Things had cooled a little between Tori and me but I still knew I was going to marry her.  I was really quite happy.  By the start of May though, Tori had decided differently and we were no longer together.  I was confused about relationships and how things went wrong and if things would ever be right for me.  Thankfully, that time in Utah with Luke gave me someone to vent to and just to discuss the entirety of the situation.  Around the start of June, I got back into online dating because I wanted to get back to where I thought I was and I was distinctly hoping this would help me get over Tori.

The first girl I had a date with after this was Lauren.  When I saw her profile, I thought there was great potential (she was a former college athlete and active in her church).  I do distinctly remember thinking "This has to be helpful because if it doesn't work with someone like this, maybe online dating won't give me anything".  Our first date went well and we ended up talking for a couple of hours and set up a second date a week later.  That date went fine, but there just wasn't the excitement there.  I hate to say it, but I was comparing her to Tori and Lauren couldn't match the excitement I had felt in that relationship.  At this point, I was still holding on to hope that Tori and I could be friends.  A part of me at that point might have even been hoping that we could be friends and she would come to her senses and take me back and we could have the life we had talked about before.

If you call, then I'm coming to get you/You want to sink, so I'm going to let you/...Now I'm falling asleep to forget you

Tori wasn't having any of it.  I had made my play at being friends and she just ignored it, but that didn't stop me from hoping.  In late June, I was out hiking ("hiking") Missouri when I saw I had an email from Uncle Jay.  I had assumed it was just an update on his bike ride for charity, but when I looked at it later, it was an email introducing me to this girl Lindsey who had been with their group and who also happened to live in Indy.  I didn't think too much of it, but when I got back into town, I sent her an email because, why not? We emailed back and forth a little and eventually set up a lunch date at a Thai restaurant.  Things went okay on that first date, though we did only make it about 10 minutes before the first awkward silence popped up.  I was intrigued, but it would have been easy to find reasons I was still a better match with Tori (she has a science career, a kick-ass dog, makes a buttload of money (money certainly isn't everything, but after 30 years of scraping by, to first go to financial stability and then financial freedom held a great appeal), etc.), but I didn't want this to be something that held me back from something that could potentially be good.  We set up a second date that ended up being bowling and dinner at a Mexican restaurant.  Things changed during that date.  We laughed easily and found quite a few things that we had in common.  It was good. I smiled. A lot.  Unfortunately, we had to wait quite a while for a third date since Lindsey had a trip out East and then I had a trip out West before we could get together again.  After that, things have progressively gotten better as we've gotten to know each other more deeply.  Thoughts of other women have faded as I realize that Lindsey is better than any of my recent relationships.  We just have done so many more things in terms of dates.  There isn't stagnation.  She's much more willing to meet me halfway on the things where I'm weird.  She's genuine and caring and probably too nice for me.  She has good goals and priorities and I look forward to getting to know her better everyday.  I would have to try really, really hard to be around her and not smile.  Once again I'm happy.