Its been an exhausting week. Grandpa has been buried. Sara has a new last name. Lots of emotions and one big swing between the emotional extremes. The funeral was sad because of the finality of it and seeing the struggles of so many people I respect. The wedding was awesome and Sara and Rick did a fantastic job of planning something that fit them and was still more fun than most weddings I've been to.
That said, I'm quite happy to be home. All of the traveling this summer has taken its toll on me. I'm looking forward to getting back into a routine, if only for a couple of weeks. There's still the Kentucky trip with Roger, the trip back to the Northwest (which I need to buy tickets for and soon) and the trip out to Menninga island. But for now, I just want to relax and be peaceful. I need to get back into running and having devotions in my own bed and doing my own cooking. The key for me will to be just content to be here. My original plan had me going down to Mammoth Cave on the 12th, but that's the church league softball tournament, which is a pretty weak excuse, but I'm totally okay with it. I'm going to go read and rest up. Later everyone.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Is is well with my soul
Late Friday night the Lord finally called Grandpa VG home. He had been moved to hospice care earlier in the week so when Lisa and I saw Dad had called both of us at 7 a.m. on Saturday morning, we knew exactly what had happened before either one of us had answered. I've been blessed to have experienced so little of death in my 32 years so far. Compared to the suddenness of Grandma M's death and the awful inevitability of Uncle Doug's death, this one is significantly less sad. Grandpa had been fighting a losing battle with dementia for several years now and every time you went to visit him, you saw that he was a little less himself.
Honestly, after Grandma M passed away during my freshman year of college, I expected this phone call at many points from Mom and Dad ever since then. I would occasionally see that I had a voicemail from Mom and just thought, "Please let it not be Grandpa or Grandma. I couldn't handle that right now." As the years passed though and Grandpa's condition deteriorated, I started to hope for his passing a little more because you could see how much he struggled and how ready he was to meet his maker and hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Now, I celebrate in Grandpa's eternal joy even as I fight back a few tears about the finality of it all.
Grandpa certainly left a legacy. Obviously, his influence first lives on in his eight children, 33 grand-children and scads of present/eventual great-grand-children. The love and dedication he showed to Grandma was absolutely inspiring, even if it was fun in their later years to watch Grandma start to stand up to him and put him in his place. He did tremendous work for the church and followed God's call all over the earth. His academic influence thrives on in our extended family as their are advanced degrees all over the place. I am proud to bear his name and look forward to passing it on to my own son.
Honestly, after Grandma M passed away during my freshman year of college, I expected this phone call at many points from Mom and Dad ever since then. I would occasionally see that I had a voicemail from Mom and just thought, "Please let it not be Grandpa or Grandma. I couldn't handle that right now." As the years passed though and Grandpa's condition deteriorated, I started to hope for his passing a little more because you could see how much he struggled and how ready he was to meet his maker and hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Now, I celebrate in Grandpa's eternal joy even as I fight back a few tears about the finality of it all.
Grandpa certainly left a legacy. Obviously, his influence first lives on in his eight children, 33 grand-children and scads of present/eventual great-grand-children. The love and dedication he showed to Grandma was absolutely inspiring, even if it was fun in their later years to watch Grandma start to stand up to him and put him in his place. He did tremendous work for the church and followed God's call all over the earth. His academic influence thrives on in our extended family as their are advanced degrees all over the place. I am proud to bear his name and look forward to passing it on to my own son.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
And you say he's just a friend
Originally, this was going to be a post about the one month anniversary of my beard but through some logical steps in thought, this is instead going to be a post about platonic friendships. Don't lie, you know your mind works in ways that are just as strange.
Fairly soon, my sister will be getting married and along with my other sisters, I will be standing up for her. I think this is awesome as it shows just how much family means to her. Further though, I think this is a great idea compared to some weddings I've been to where the bride and groom each have 7+ attendants, all of whom are the same sex. Its ridiculous to think that being in a relationship precludes you from befriending anyone else of the opposite gender other than your significant other. I have no idea what the comparable equivalent is for same sex couples but now I'm curious about it.
A little more background on my own dealings should help enlighten my position on this. Growing up, I was confident, but it was always in who I was intellectually and athletically, but never in my physical appearance. I never thought I was ugly, but I certainly didn't consider myself anything more than average at best. This was mostly due to the fact that with a few exceptions, girls simply didn't pay me any attention. Honestly, its not too hard to blame them. I didn't have the warmest personality, was fairly naive and my fashion sense was, uh, lacking amongst other things. Changing friends at the start of high school helped a lot as I now surrounded myself with people who were socially accomplished and aware. However, with an exception or two, the 'cool' girls once again ignored me, choosing not to change their perception of me.
Things changed when I left for Trinity. It was a fresh start for me and I could be whoever I wanted to be as only a handful of people had ever met me before. Once I had established a group of friends, I started realizing that I was actually receiving attention from women. Admittedly, it actually took me a little while to realize that that's what it was just because I was so unused to it. This was a totally different feeling and it was fantastic because it hadn't really happened for me before. Now, I had more of a reason to be confidence; I just needed to sack up and get the courage to do something about it. Until then though, I really just enjoyed being able to flirt with those around me and have it be welcomed. Once I started dating Lisa, I didn't really stop that and bless her heart, she put up with it all fairly well and gave me more leeway with it than I probably deserved. This has continued to this day and I'm willing to flirt with literally almost anyone. At the risk of sounding stereotypical, I enjoy being around middle aged black women for this reason as they are not ashamed to flirt right back with you and they will make you smile and make your day. I love to flirt just because I still take it as a compliment when a woman willingly lets me know she's attracted to me.
The first time this really presented a problem for me though was when I was dating Kim, but I was in Chicago and went to go catch up with Tara. I had earlier admitted to Kim that I found Tara attractive because, well, she is and I did. Kim didn't like me hanging out with Tara and basically told me that she didn't trust the situation and would prefer me not to do it in the future. Some of you may be out there agreeing that I need to cater to my girlfriend and avoid situations like this to help her feel secure. I hear your point but I offer three rebuttal points. 1) At that point, I had known Tara for five years longer than I knew Kim. 2) Tara was married and had kids at this point. 3) I like Tara's husband and in 2007, he could've stomped me in a fight. The point is that absolutely nothing was going to happen. I know to never tell a woman she's over-reacting, but Kim was over-reacting, especially considering my complete and utter lack of indiscretions at that point. (And honestly, still to this day, there are very few.) By that point in time, I had certainly earned at least the modicum of trust required to believe that I could hang out with an old married friend without having to worry about what was happening simply because said friend is pretty. So yeah, I don't get it. Nothing tells your significant other 'I trust you' like telling them they can't get to know half the population. I bring up this idea of opposite sex friendships really early with potential girlfriends because I'm never giving up Heather or Steph and if I head back to State in the next year, I'll likely be staying with Coop and if I head back to GR, I frequently grab a beer with Brooke, even though she's the only student to ever ask me out (so far). I will gladly introduce you to them and invite you along to anything we do, but these are people I care about too much to let go.
On a similar line, I don't get why people assume they can never be friends with an ex. I very much get it if there's a bad breakup or if the relationship ends because you simply don't like the person any more. However, if it ends for other reasons such as irreconcilable differences of opinions on meaningful matters or that you're an immature jackass who isn't ready to commit (*cough* me at 19 *cough*), you should at least still have the option of being friends. You obviously liked the person enough to date them and consider a future so if things didn't turn out badly, why would you get rid of the person completely just because there's some history between the two of you? If you think its going to be awkward with future suitors, just be transparent about it and keep things out in the open and if that's not good enough, talk it out and see where it goes. All this said, I don't really consider myself friends with any exes. Kim and Carolyn fall into the obvious reason category. I still have tremendous respect for Lisa, but we're not better friends because I screwed that up completely after I ended the relationship. I take full responsibility for that one. I can't comment yet on Krista or Tori because I honestly don't know how that will go. There simply needs to be more time before I could say anything for sure.
To bring this all back around, my beard is awesome. Unfortunately, it will become redder and redder as the summer goes on and I just hope it doesn't get too bad before the wedding. When that happens, I turn it into mutton chops and then my friends call me Seamus. Thanks Bob.
Fairly soon, my sister will be getting married and along with my other sisters, I will be standing up for her. I think this is awesome as it shows just how much family means to her. Further though, I think this is a great idea compared to some weddings I've been to where the bride and groom each have 7+ attendants, all of whom are the same sex. Its ridiculous to think that being in a relationship precludes you from befriending anyone else of the opposite gender other than your significant other. I have no idea what the comparable equivalent is for same sex couples but now I'm curious about it.
A little more background on my own dealings should help enlighten my position on this. Growing up, I was confident, but it was always in who I was intellectually and athletically, but never in my physical appearance. I never thought I was ugly, but I certainly didn't consider myself anything more than average at best. This was mostly due to the fact that with a few exceptions, girls simply didn't pay me any attention. Honestly, its not too hard to blame them. I didn't have the warmest personality, was fairly naive and my fashion sense was, uh, lacking amongst other things. Changing friends at the start of high school helped a lot as I now surrounded myself with people who were socially accomplished and aware. However, with an exception or two, the 'cool' girls once again ignored me, choosing not to change their perception of me.
Things changed when I left for Trinity. It was a fresh start for me and I could be whoever I wanted to be as only a handful of people had ever met me before. Once I had established a group of friends, I started realizing that I was actually receiving attention from women. Admittedly, it actually took me a little while to realize that that's what it was just because I was so unused to it. This was a totally different feeling and it was fantastic because it hadn't really happened for me before. Now, I had more of a reason to be confidence; I just needed to sack up and get the courage to do something about it. Until then though, I really just enjoyed being able to flirt with those around me and have it be welcomed. Once I started dating Lisa, I didn't really stop that and bless her heart, she put up with it all fairly well and gave me more leeway with it than I probably deserved. This has continued to this day and I'm willing to flirt with literally almost anyone. At the risk of sounding stereotypical, I enjoy being around middle aged black women for this reason as they are not ashamed to flirt right back with you and they will make you smile and make your day. I love to flirt just because I still take it as a compliment when a woman willingly lets me know she's attracted to me.
The first time this really presented a problem for me though was when I was dating Kim, but I was in Chicago and went to go catch up with Tara. I had earlier admitted to Kim that I found Tara attractive because, well, she is and I did. Kim didn't like me hanging out with Tara and basically told me that she didn't trust the situation and would prefer me not to do it in the future. Some of you may be out there agreeing that I need to cater to my girlfriend and avoid situations like this to help her feel secure. I hear your point but I offer three rebuttal points. 1) At that point, I had known Tara for five years longer than I knew Kim. 2) Tara was married and had kids at this point. 3) I like Tara's husband and in 2007, he could've stomped me in a fight. The point is that absolutely nothing was going to happen. I know to never tell a woman she's over-reacting, but Kim was over-reacting, especially considering my complete and utter lack of indiscretions at that point. (And honestly, still to this day, there are very few.) By that point in time, I had certainly earned at least the modicum of trust required to believe that I could hang out with an old married friend without having to worry about what was happening simply because said friend is pretty. So yeah, I don't get it. Nothing tells your significant other 'I trust you' like telling them they can't get to know half the population. I bring up this idea of opposite sex friendships really early with potential girlfriends because I'm never giving up Heather or Steph and if I head back to State in the next year, I'll likely be staying with Coop and if I head back to GR, I frequently grab a beer with Brooke, even though she's the only student to ever ask me out (so far). I will gladly introduce you to them and invite you along to anything we do, but these are people I care about too much to let go.
On a similar line, I don't get why people assume they can never be friends with an ex. I very much get it if there's a bad breakup or if the relationship ends because you simply don't like the person any more. However, if it ends for other reasons such as irreconcilable differences of opinions on meaningful matters or that you're an immature jackass who isn't ready to commit (*cough* me at 19 *cough*), you should at least still have the option of being friends. You obviously liked the person enough to date them and consider a future so if things didn't turn out badly, why would you get rid of the person completely just because there's some history between the two of you? If you think its going to be awkward with future suitors, just be transparent about it and keep things out in the open and if that's not good enough, talk it out and see where it goes. All this said, I don't really consider myself friends with any exes. Kim and Carolyn fall into the obvious reason category. I still have tremendous respect for Lisa, but we're not better friends because I screwed that up completely after I ended the relationship. I take full responsibility for that one. I can't comment yet on Krista or Tori because I honestly don't know how that will go. There simply needs to be more time before I could say anything for sure.
To bring this all back around, my beard is awesome. Unfortunately, it will become redder and redder as the summer goes on and I just hope it doesn't get too bad before the wedding. When that happens, I turn it into mutton chops and then my friends call me Seamus. Thanks Bob.
Monday, June 16, 2014
There's nothing here, but what here's mine
I never expected to quote Placebo lyrics, but here they are. 'All alone in space and time, there's nothing here, but what here's mine.' Its a line I actually really like, but it does lend some insight to some of the things I was discussing in my last post. Any lethargy I've felt over the past couple of weeks stems from this idea of control and ownership. The first issue is that I've straight up been lazier that I should be. I'm not spending as much time working out or reading or mathing as I should be doing and hopefully that gets rectified soon. More importantly though, my focus has been on the wrong things. I've focused inward and more specifically on what I do and do not have. This is never a way to make yourself happy because true happiness is not found in things like that. Taking this further, the good things that were mentioned were the things that dealt with being a part of something greater and working with others, namely working the food pantry and playing with the softball team. Ideally, math will give this to me because ever since grad school started, I learned just how hard it is to do math solo and a different set of minds will usually help advance your work. It might only be through email or Skype, but its still something resembling community. Softball will end in a few weeks, but hopefully then that will be replaced by church volleyball or perhaps even basketball, even though I haven't played in several years. Either way, there's still opportunities out there, so I'm going to do what I can to not focus inward, but to look outward to others
On a side note, I was fully prepared to make a comment on how self focused I was by mentioning that in my last post, I used some form of the word 'I' 18 times in the second paragraph. This basically makes me the LeBron James of this blog. However, it is really, really hard not to use personal pronouns when writing a blog about your personal feelings, especially when you're trying to avoid discussing others.
On a side note, I was fully prepared to make a comment on how self focused I was by mentioning that in my last post, I used some form of the word 'I' 18 times in the second paragraph. This basically makes me the LeBron James of this blog. However, it is really, really hard not to use personal pronouns when writing a blog about your personal feelings, especially when you're trying to avoid discussing others.
Friday, June 13, 2014
I hope you suffer
I gave my heart to the cruel, now it won't beat again.
Unless you're as bad crazy as my ex Carolyn, you know these words are hyperbole. I don't want you to suffer. However, since roughly the start of grad school, AFI has been my go to for angry white boy music. If you know me, you know I'm certainly not that angry, but when I developed my taste in music, it was in high school, and nothing speaks out to white high school boy angst quite like angry rock and since I was learning the benefits of aggression from football, it only made sense that this is what I'd pick up. Along with that came this facade of toughness and badassery, which is now a word. When I'm at my best and most confident, this comes out, but anyone who really knows me sees through it and laughs. It reminds me of Scott on seeing me with a shaved head for the first time - "you'd look like a badass if you weren't such a nice guy."
This is something that's been missing for the last couple of weeks and I don't understand it. You can never will yourself to simply be happy, but its almost like I don't want to be content with what I have. No, this summer isn't as I planned a couple of months ago, but that shouldn't be that big of an issue. I still live a fairly charmed life. I've got some great things going, including an awesome softball team filled with good dudes and a bunch of traveling that I'll be doing which keeps me busy. Add in class twice a week and I don't how I've managed to find a way to be mopey for the last two weeks. Based on this, I don't know why I feel like I don't have community around me. It might simply be because I've been out of town so much and haven't gotten into a rhythm with my home church in Fishers. If this is how I feel now, I don't understand how I survived last summer without softball and the relationships I've developed with my fellow volunteers at the food bank. Someone needs to come smack me out of this and I really really want it to be someone other than Roger, because I know he'd totally do it. Its embarrassing to get beaten up by someone you outweigh by 75 pounds.
Unless you're as bad crazy as my ex Carolyn, you know these words are hyperbole. I don't want you to suffer. However, since roughly the start of grad school, AFI has been my go to for angry white boy music. If you know me, you know I'm certainly not that angry, but when I developed my taste in music, it was in high school, and nothing speaks out to white high school boy angst quite like angry rock and since I was learning the benefits of aggression from football, it only made sense that this is what I'd pick up. Along with that came this facade of toughness and badassery, which is now a word. When I'm at my best and most confident, this comes out, but anyone who really knows me sees through it and laughs. It reminds me of Scott on seeing me with a shaved head for the first time - "you'd look like a badass if you weren't such a nice guy."
This is something that's been missing for the last couple of weeks and I don't understand it. You can never will yourself to simply be happy, but its almost like I don't want to be content with what I have. No, this summer isn't as I planned a couple of months ago, but that shouldn't be that big of an issue. I still live a fairly charmed life. I've got some great things going, including an awesome softball team filled with good dudes and a bunch of traveling that I'll be doing which keeps me busy. Add in class twice a week and I don't how I've managed to find a way to be mopey for the last two weeks. Based on this, I don't know why I feel like I don't have community around me. It might simply be because I've been out of town so much and haven't gotten into a rhythm with my home church in Fishers. If this is how I feel now, I don't understand how I survived last summer without softball and the relationships I've developed with my fellow volunteers at the food bank. Someone needs to come smack me out of this and I really really want it to be someone other than Roger, because I know he'd totally do it. Its embarrassing to get beaten up by someone you outweigh by 75 pounds.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Today is the greatest day I've never known
As its the inspiration for today's post, I'll start with the first couple of verses of Smashing Pumpkins' Today:
"Today is the greatest day I've ever known
Can't live for tomorrow, tomorrow's much too long
I'll burn my eyes out before I get out
I wanted more than life could ever grant me
Bored by the chore of saving face
Today is the greatest day I've never known
Can't wait for tomorrow, I might not have that long
I'll tear my heart out before I get out
Pink ribbon scars that never forget
I tried so hard to cleanse these regrets
My angel wings were bruised and restrained
My belly stings"
Yesterday was a zero dollar day. I've had quite a few of those lately and its really starting to wear on me since I had been doing really well and its totally fallen off. I can talk all I want on here about greatness or failure and grace and whatnot, but none of it really matters if I'm not putting forth an effort. That's what's bugged me about my actions most recently as I'm not fighting at all. I'm not being disciplined in working out or eating correctly or anything really. To counteract this, I make this pledge. I vow to make the rest of the week worth $10. Something needs to change right now and hopefully this will do it.
The rest of the summer may be a little weird since I won't be able to be a creature of routine at all. Monday will still be softball and Tuesday and Thursday will be class, but there will just be so many weekends where I'll be gone that my focus won't be able to be on the mundane and the every day things.
"Today is the greatest day I've ever known
Can't live for tomorrow, tomorrow's much too long
I'll burn my eyes out before I get out
I wanted more than life could ever grant me
Bored by the chore of saving face
Today is the greatest day I've never known
Can't wait for tomorrow, I might not have that long
I'll tear my heart out before I get out
Pink ribbon scars that never forget
I tried so hard to cleanse these regrets
My angel wings were bruised and restrained
My belly stings"
Yesterday was a zero dollar day. I've had quite a few of those lately and its really starting to wear on me since I had been doing really well and its totally fallen off. I can talk all I want on here about greatness or failure and grace and whatnot, but none of it really matters if I'm not putting forth an effort. That's what's bugged me about my actions most recently as I'm not fighting at all. I'm not being disciplined in working out or eating correctly or anything really. To counteract this, I make this pledge. I vow to make the rest of the week worth $10. Something needs to change right now and hopefully this will do it.
The rest of the summer may be a little weird since I won't be able to be a creature of routine at all. Monday will still be softball and Tuesday and Thursday will be class, but there will just be so many weekends where I'll be gone that my focus won't be able to be on the mundane and the every day things.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
But I remember you saying that yesterday
End of April resolution update:
1) Work harder - coming soon. I should be heading up to Michigan this week so I can start working on math stuff. I've also started P90X2, but have only done a couple of workouts so far. There was a lot of hiking in Utah obviously, so I'll consider that a win for this month.
2) Play harder - Boom. Done. Utah was awesome, but you already heard me say that a few times. Softball has been good too, but I'd like for the games to be a little more competitive.
3) Travel more - Yep. Still Utah. More stuff coming up this month. June should include travels to Michigan, Wisconsin, Missouri and maybe Kentucky. You could almost argue that all of these travels mean I'm running away from Indiana. You'd probably be right too.
4) Read more - May was better than April. I'm still going through East of Eden and am about 60% of the way. This means I at least went through a couple hundred pages, which I'm fine with since its not a book you read for hours on end. Its very much a book you read 20 pages at a time and chew it over. Its been a good read so far.
5) Drink better beer - There's currently Oberon in my fridge so that counts. Luke and I tried a whole bunch of stuff in Utah and while most of it wasn't overly hard, it was fairly good. Utah was some weird alcohol rules that we had to contend with, but its all good.
New news! I have a date in a little over an hour. She's probably the girl that's the most like me that I've met in all of my online dating so far. I'm excited, but a little apprehensive. As much as I want to talk about it here, I actually really don't want to talk about it publicly at all yet. If I still feel a little weird about this, I'll probably just talk to Steph about it, because she'sbecome my love guru more willing than anyone else to call me out on any potential bullshit.
1) Work harder - coming soon. I should be heading up to Michigan this week so I can start working on math stuff. I've also started P90X2, but have only done a couple of workouts so far. There was a lot of hiking in Utah obviously, so I'll consider that a win for this month.
2) Play harder - Boom. Done. Utah was awesome, but you already heard me say that a few times. Softball has been good too, but I'd like for the games to be a little more competitive.
3) Travel more - Yep. Still Utah. More stuff coming up this month. June should include travels to Michigan, Wisconsin, Missouri and maybe Kentucky. You could almost argue that all of these travels mean I'm running away from Indiana. You'd probably be right too.
4) Read more - May was better than April. I'm still going through East of Eden and am about 60% of the way. This means I at least went through a couple hundred pages, which I'm fine with since its not a book you read for hours on end. Its very much a book you read 20 pages at a time and chew it over. Its been a good read so far.
5) Drink better beer - There's currently Oberon in my fridge so that counts. Luke and I tried a whole bunch of stuff in Utah and while most of it wasn't overly hard, it was fairly good. Utah was some weird alcohol rules that we had to contend with, but its all good.
New news! I have a date in a little over an hour. She's probably the girl that's the most like me that I've met in all of my online dating so far. I'm excited, but a little apprehensive. As much as I want to talk about it here, I actually really don't want to talk about it publicly at all yet. If I still feel a little weird about this, I'll probably just talk to Steph about it, because she's
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