I hope you suffer

I gave my heart to the cruel, now it won't beat again.

Unless you're as bad crazy as my ex Carolyn, you know these words are hyperbole.  I don't want you to suffer.  However, since roughly the start of grad school, AFI has been my go to for angry white boy music.  If you know me, you know I'm certainly not that angry, but when I developed my taste in music, it was in high school, and nothing speaks out to white high school boy angst quite like angry rock and since I was learning the benefits of aggression from football, it only made sense that this is what I'd pick up.  Along with that came this facade of toughness and badassery, which is now a word.  When I'm at my best and most confident, this comes out, but anyone who really knows me sees through it and laughs.  It reminds me of Scott on seeing me with a shaved head for the first time - "you'd look like a badass if you weren't such a nice guy."

This is something that's been missing for the last couple of weeks and I don't understand it.  You can never will yourself to simply be happy, but its almost like I don't want to be content with what I have.  No, this summer isn't as I planned a couple of months ago, but that shouldn't be that big of an issue.  I still live a fairly charmed life.  I've got some great things going, including an awesome softball team filled with good dudes and a bunch of traveling that I'll be doing which keeps me busy.  Add in class twice a week and I don't how I've managed to find a way to be mopey for the last two weeks.  Based on this, I don't know why I feel like I don't have community around me.  It might simply be because I've been out of town so much and haven't gotten into a rhythm with my home church in Fishers.  If this is how I feel now, I don't understand how I survived last summer without softball and the relationships I've developed with my fellow volunteers at the food bank.  Someone needs to come smack me out of this and I really really want it to be someone other than Roger, because I know he'd totally do it.  Its embarrassing to get beaten up by someone you outweigh by 75 pounds.