The problem lies in me

Yes, my posting has been minimal of late and that's a good thing.  I've always said this blog is my catharsis but now that I have Lindsey to talk to about anything and everything, I don't need this as much.

Its exam week and I'll only have grading left to do as of 10:00 tomorrow morning.  The majority of my grading is already done and that makes me happy.  However, on Sunday, I got hit with the usual exam week sickness that comes nearly every semester.  I've doubled down on zinc drops and cough and cold drugs and I've gotten in front of it primarily so I should be good.  What I wasn't really ready for was the bout of nihilism and malaise that accompanied it.  I know this belief that everything is meaningless is just bullshit, but I haven't been able to kick it for the past few days.  The malaise has accompanied that because if you search for meaning and find nothing meaningful, well, you're going to have a bad time.  Maybe I just need something to focus on or distract me for Christmas break.  I will have to prep for my new class and I am planning on studying Spanish so I don't lose that.  I'm looking into quick hiking trips even though its only been two months since Georgia.  Lindsey is going out to see her cousin over New Years (I was invited, but I'll be spending New Year's Eve and Day just watching football so I didn't want to be a buzzkill the entire time).  I may try to find something nearby in either Kentucky or Ohio or something.  Anyone have any suggestions on projects I should take up before next semester starts?

Go forth and have no fear

I know. I haven't posted in a while.  I'm not sorry about that though because its a good sign.  I've said before that this blog is my catharsis and things have been going really well so I haven't felt the need to truly vent about anything lately.

Here's the deal.  I'm about as all in on Indiana right now as I'm ever going to get.  I've got a wonderful fiancee who has the capability of turning my bad days into good ones.  I'm so thankful she's in my life and I'm greatly looking forward to marrying her and starting a life with her, even if it is in a place that's an unreasonable distance away from a decent mountain.  I've got a solid group of guys from church who started off as the core of my softball team but have now expanded to include book study guys.  Yes, we meet at the bar and discuss everything over a beer.  This makes me like them more.  My social life is getting better even if you wouldn't really be able to tell it from the number of Indiana people I'll be inviting to the wedding.  I still love my job.  Roughly a month ago, I submitted an application for promotion to associate professor which also entails a raise and ideally a little more job security, not that I have any worries whatsoever about that.  I still do occasionally check CCCU for other openings because once again, I miss mountains.  Further, the current expectation is that once I'm married, we'll be buying a house and that means I'll have put my own legit roots down somewhere for really the first time in my life.  I was tied to MSU for a while but that was always with the expectation that I would be moving on eventually.  I'm finally starting to get some of this adult stuff down.

We claim you as one of our own

I know I haven't posted in three weeks, but I promise I'm making it up to you.  Two full weeks ago, I was out in Georgia getting my hike on out in the Northern Appalachians and it was all fantastic.  Last weekend, Lindsey and I went out to Turkey Run for a night of camping before heading out for a hike.  This past weekend, I proposed and now I'm engaged.  So yeah, its a short entry, but I'd say its fairly worth it.

There's one for the sorrow and two for the joy

Last night, I asked Lindsey what I should write about for this week's happy post since I wasn't really sure.  Jokingly, she told me that I should write about the entire Digiornio pizza I had eaten for lunch and dinner. If I get to the point where the happiest part of my week is a pizza, its a really bad week.  If nothing else, it should be at least a pizza and a beer. But I mean seriously, pizza is absolutely delicious and quite possibly my favorite food, but if a pizza that I didn't even make is the highlight of my week, come hang out with me because I'm struggling.

Tonight I've gotten serious about writing up my promotion application.  I spent the last hour and a half just writing up two pages on my teaching effectiveness.  There have been times when I've struggled with doubts about my ability as a professor.  There's certainly not the daily issues with fraud syndrome like there were in grad school and I am so incredibly happy that that isn't the case. (Side note: the worst episode may have been when I passed my comp but felt like I scraped by and had basically been given a pass and didn't even really want to celebrate.  Thank God (not used flippantly) for Cheryl who made me go out and enjoy it.) But yeah, there are times when the upperclassmen I have just don't do the basic things they know they should be doing and I really wonder if its because they don't respect me as a prof.  Then I go through all of my AU student evaluations and I get a reprieve from that.  I've given out 9 evaluations over the past 3 years (should be at least 12, but twice it didn't happen for various reasons), and of the 109 students that have rated me, on the questions, 'Overall, I rate this instructor as excellent', on a scale of 1-5, 64 have given me a 5 with a further 31 giving me a 4.  12 have given me a 3 with one each giving me either a 1 or 2. I can explain those two low ones as students who just didn't want to work and were upset that I didn't cater to them as they expected.  So yeah, seeing that makes me feel good.  I've been critical of many teachers in the past (hi, basically everybody. Sorry about that.), and if I take it back, its not because the job is super difficult (its definitely not easy though), but its because you have to deal with being at the mercy of the opinions of people who don't know what's best for themselves and then blame you when things go wrong because that's easier than accepting their own fault.  I guarantee that at least one teacher you know owns a mouthguard because they grind their teeth in their sleep because of the stress of the crap you put them through.

In the whispers when no one's around

Thankfully, I've gotten back into the habit of lifting on MWF mornings.  Since I have calculus at 8 a.m., this means I have to be in the gym and lifting by 6:15 so I can be done and showered and walking to my office by 7:15.  On days like these, that means I get to walk over as the first light of dawn breaks through.  This morning, there was also a good layer of fog enshrouding everything, giving the whole morning this surreal feel you get like when you're encapsulated in a good book and your imagination has become intensely vivid.  We have a pretty college campus and so my walk was illuminated by street lamps, just adding to the entire feel of the morning.  Its a great way to start the day and hopefully an omen of great things to come.  Praise to our creator who makes all beautiful things.

Some say it was Greenland, some say Mexico

First off, seriously, how good could the Meat Puppets had been bad Kurt Cobain actually sung for them full time?

It was a rather uneventful week.  It was exam 1 week so that dominated everything as I had to give and grade three exams which meant there wasn't a whole lot for me to talk about on what made me happy since my ability to write an exam isn't anything special.  Based on today's blog title, you'd expect it to be about travel and that's what I was originally intending it to be.  However, Friday was fine and we had President Pistole's inauguration and the speech was given by Comey, the current deputy director of the FBI and that was all good, but for some reason, the rest of the day was just a giant downer and I have absolutely no reason why.

So instead, that's what today's post is about.  I like that I can talk about when I have bad days or when I failures and shortcomings.  When I went back through my old posts on Xanga, I was surprised by how many things I talked about openly, but that was mostly about girls I liked and anger at math teachers (most of that was dumb, but I was a dumb angry kid, even in grad school, probably even still now - dumb still, not as angry).  Now, on this one, I've opened up about more meaningful things, such as fighting through loneliness, struggling with porn, not knowing where I want to be, and yeah, still some relationship stuff, some of which was stupid and some which wasn't, but all of this stuff has been genuine and authentic.  It may not be things I want my family and friends to know about me.  Yes, I may wish they saw me as perfect, but I'm not anywhere close to that.  Once I've been much more able to open up about these things, I've been better able to receive grace since I'm not believing this facade about myself.  I'm awesome, but at the same time, I suck and that's okay and I like that.

I'm that kid in the corner

I'm a day late on getting my happiness post from the weekend up.  Sorry about that.  This weekend's post actually covers an event that happened last weekend.  Last Saturday, one of my colleagues invited over everyone in AU's school of science and engineering over to his house as a way to welcome in the new engineering faculty.  Lindsey and I were one of the first ones to get there so we got to see when everyone else showed up.  A short time later, one of my fellow math colleagues shows up with his three year old daughter, who we'll call A.  There's a handful of other young(ish) children there and A isn't usually shy so she originally goes off to play with them on the trampoline.  She wants to get in with them, but since most of them are significantly older (other kids were 5-13), she's intimidated and actually heads off a little ways and kinda sulks a little bit because she's got a decent amount of attitude for a three year old girl.  I notice this and a couple of minutes later, I excuse myself from talking with my fellow professors and go talk to A.  I ask her if she wants to go jump on the trampoline with me since the other kids are still on it.  I figure I know what its like to be the kid that's off to the side and wants to get involved but would prefer it to happen on the terms I like so I'm going to watch out for other kids in the same situation.  This isn't to say anything bad about the other kids because they were all really friendly, but I think A just wanted someone there whom she knew to make it not so overwhelming.  So yeah, that's me - protector of little kids that I know well.  I still hate strangers kids when they're loud and annoying in public but I'm actually quite good with kids I know.  We ended up playing some form of Duck, Duck, Goose that didn't really follow the rules at all, but a good time was had so everyone was happy.  There's actually a pretty awesome picture of me and A playing but I don't think that's going to be put out on social media.  Sorry everyone.

I never wanted any more than I could fit into my head

Yay! Back to positive posts. I'm going to try to make it a regular (every Friday? every weekend?) where I post good things for the week or just things I like about myself because it certainly can't hurt to have a positive outlook about things.  This week, I like that I'm constantly trying to learn new things an fit as much stuff into my head.  Apparently, taking two Spanish classes was enough for a sabbatical for one of AU's profs so I'm not sure what I should get for just taking one because I could fit it into my schedule.  I'm still a little terrified whenever we have to speak in front of the entire class, even if it is just introducing ourselves or saying where we're from.  Somehow, I'm worried about a bunch of 20 year olds whom I had never met before judging my ability in Spanish I to be less than stellar despite the fact that by now, I'm sure they know that I'm a math professor.  I should never be this self-conscious, but whatever, I'm learning a new language simply because I can.  I'm putting myself out there and learning more about my students and reminding myself of what it was like and hopefully that will help me be a better teacher.  Gracias por escuchar (okay, for reading and not listening, but I don't know the word for reading yet).

What's the hurry? Where ya gotta go?

Okay, I'm over two weeks late, but its finally here.  This is my summer goal recap.  Before even looking at the goals, I'm happy with how it went.  I got to travel a couple of places and experience some new things and yet still not have all the full responsibilities of being an adult.  Hooray liberal arts professor!  Here we go:

1) Run the Flying Pig Marathon. Success! Done in 3:52 so while it was 20 minutes off my p.r., it was still a success.  I ran it with a partial tear of my left patellar tendon and even worse, my ankle started to lock up at around mile 9, but thankfully, that worked itself out fairly quickly.  Around mile 20 though, I started cramping and by mile 22, it was pretty bad.  By the time I finished, every muscle was cramping and I basically was walking in to the finish.  I took GU at mile 18 and that upset my stomach and I ended up puking before getting back to the car.  Yeah, it was a good time and I've got a big old medal with a pig on it.  Next year, I'm sticking to half marathons.

2) Take 3+ awesome pictures of California.  Success! You're all friends with me on facebook.  You've seen the photos.  I don't know if you can take bad pictures of the Yosemite valley.  Pinnacles is sweet too, if it is rather small (not Hot Springs small, but close) for a national park.

3) Watch Fermat's Room and read Journey Through Genius and Mathematics Through the Eyes of Faith.  Success! Fermat's Room was disappointing and it won't be watched again.  I will likely be using Mathematics Through.... in class next semester, but it was obvious that it borrowed heavily through Journey... but I wouldn't necessarily recommend either for the casual reader.

4) Do analysis on starting hands for Texas Hold 'Em.  Failure, partially because its already done and partially because I didn't do any mathematical research over summer.  I do want to do a blackjack study on implementing a dealer floor sometime though.  Maybe next summer.

5) Find more opportunities to volunteer.  Failure.  I found a couple more opportunities but never acted on them.  My bad.

6) Bike 100+ miles.  Success! ROC Michigan and its 60 miles over a weekend and training for that surely helped.

7) Failure.  Maybe next summer.

8) Initiate the home buying process.  I'm calling this a success.  I will not be buying a home this year, but I found a basic idea of what I can afford plus checked out a couple of open houses and have a much better idea of what I can get and where I can get it and I feel like I'll be much better prepared when I really go on the market for next summer.

9) Hike another 14er and not do it solo.  Success! I brought Julie and Lisa with me to conquer Mt. Bierstadt.  They both enjoyed it and we got some nice pictures on the way.  I was a little scared I'd have to help Lisa hobble down most of the way, but she toughed it out and I'm proud of both her and Julie for getting through it.  We also got to see marmots, mountain goats and sheep so it was a good wildlife viewing trip as well.

10) Host the math guys for a game night. Failure.  I still want to do this sometime this semester and it will happen eventually.

All told, 6/10 but I'm quite happy with how it went.  Its not the greatest summer ever, but it was definitely above average.

Mucho gusto, me llamo

Sorry for the delay in posting, but I was busy living out the last month of summer including a trip up to the bottom half of Sleeping Bear Dunes, a week at Menninga Island and a quick trip out to Denver.  I'll write up all about the end of summer in my next post which'll be about my success on this summer's goals list.

Instead, here's a quick post about the start of this semester, which set me up with an awesome schedule.  I have Calc I MTWF at 8 and 10 and Numerical on MWF at 9.  Seriously, that's it.  Nothing past noon and nothing on Thursday.  So what did I do?  I picked up that extra night section of Finite to once again supplement my income.  I also picked up a section of SPAN 1010 (as a student, not the worst professor ever) because my Spanish is limited to what I picked up from the migrant workers while working the berry fields in junior high.  That Spanish is not useful.  Besides, when I was in Puerto Rico, a couple natives started speaking to me in Spanish and I was completely lost.  I'd like to be able to travel to non-English speaking countries and be able to survive so I'm hoping this goes well and that I'll be able to continue it in the spring semester as well.  First things first though, is that this class is mildly terrifying.  There are two students in the class who have taken a math class with me and they did not do overly well and I don't know how they feel towards me.  That's not even the big issue though.  I'm used to being the one in charge and with that, I have mastery of the subject material and now I've changed the dynamic so I know jack squat.  Its even made harder by the fact that its a foreign language so even my ability to communicate properly has been stripped away.  I don't know how Lindsey loves this stuff and flourishes in it, but more power to her.  Nearing the end of this first week, there's a decent number of people in the class who realize that I am a professor and I'm not sure if they have expectations that I'll excel at this.  I know my ego wants me to excel, but I think its probably best for everyone if they can see me struggle but also see the work ethic that I have developed which will hopefully help me get better and learn to say more than just my name.  One thing I am waiting for is the day when I slip and drop back into my German and just really start confusing my languages.

Also, a quick update on my knee since I got that checked out this morning.  The doctor told me I have an atypical injury in that I do have a partial tear of my patellar tendon, but I essentially tore the back of the tendon.  All of my other tendons and ligaments are fine and there's no immediate action that is needed.  Its sore simply because the tear happened in a very dynamic place and it will take a while for the scar tissue to stabilize.  He wants me to come back if things are still painful at the end of winter.

This is it, the apocalypse

When I finally got my Ph.D. in 2012, I made plenty of jokes about how that's what was really bringing the end of the world.  In that same vein, the fact that I've had a great social life this past weekend and the rest of the month looks pretty awesome too may be a sure sign of the apocalypse.  It started Friday, when Lindsey and I went out for bowling and dinner with our friends Brandy (my colleague) and her husband Chris (Lindsey's predecessor) and that was awesome.  My first game was a 172 so that really helped.  My second game was in the 130s and my third game was mid-90s but I was messing around and gutter-balled a the 6th and 7th frames when I was working on a strike because I was messing around and trying to throw the curve.  If I don't do that, I'm easily back in the 120s so that made me happy. 

Saturday was a beautiful day out tubing with Lisa and Lindsey where we just relaxed and joked and had a beer and enjoyed doing nothing for four hours but lazily floating.  We were all disappointed when it was done and I think if they would have let us, we would have hopped back in the van, gone to the start and done it all over again.  With that though, I managed to add very little color (but that means no skin cancer!) and I did manage to somehow burn my left foot, but not the right.  Saturday night then was game night out at Kat's and when it started, it was seven women and me so yeah.  Thankfully, Nathan showed up a little later so someone else could start answering the Taboo descriptions that the girls kept giving that started with "Guys do this...".  In case you're wondering, guys apparently smoke cigars and perspire.  That's it.  

Sunday was nothing and that was fine.  I went to church and watched a baseball game and did some cleaning.  

Yesterday was some more cleaning in preparation for getting new cabinets and counter tops for my apartment.  After that, my friend George invited a bunch of us to go make stroopwafel.  I've only had them a couple of times before but these turned out wonderfully and they were absolutely delicious when warm or served with ice cream.  

Tonight, Lindsey and I are headed out rock climbing.  I've also got my trip up to Sleeping Bear Dunes coming up shortly and then we've got Menninga Island after that and there's still that trip out to Colorado before school starts.  How could you not be happy with all of this awesomeness?  

Happy

So happy. No other words yet.

Staying Put

I have officially taken myself out of the housing market.  In the next day or two, I'll be turning in a least to stay at my current apartment for another 10 months.  I'm glad I got to check out what's actually available in the area right now, and I actually liked several houses, but I can't quite afford it yet.  Well, technically I could, but I'd have a hard time with an increased cost of gas due to a longer commute as well as a dramatic increase in utilities, both from having a bigger space and paying for things like trash and sewer.  So yeah, I could afford it as long as I had no unexpected costs for the next 10 years and the odds of that happening might actually be negative.  I lived paycheck to paycheck in grad school and that was tough.  I don't think I could handle it now simply because of how much stress that would add in to my life that I just don't need.

Welcome to Paradise

I'm hoping you got to witness the same sky that I just saw.  There were the blacks of the impending storm broken up by the occasional flash of lightning.  There were the bright orange and pinks of the sunrise.  And somehow, included with it all, hiding in the sparse breaks in the clouds, were the vibrant blues of what resembled a midday sky.  I don't know how it all works together, but it was magnificent and inspiring.  I've been thinking about a lot of things lately and every bolt of lightning I see and every sunset reminds me how much bigger my God is than my problems are.  The main thing I must do is just to be calm and know that He is God and let everything just run its course and I'll be fine no matter what happens.

One of the things I've been considering is the purchase of a house.  There's no specific property I want just yet, but I have been paying attention to what's out there in case anything strikes my fancy just right.  When I first started looking, I assumed I'd want to be down around the Noblesville/Fishers area, despite it being a significantly longer commute and definitely more expensive.  Now, I've moved my search further north and would prefer Pendleton or maybe even Anderson just for the sake of the cost.  Yeah, Anderson's still kind of a craphole, but in the past couple of years, its started to become my craphole.  I've grown to appreciate the city.  It certainly isn't an epicenter of culture or deep thought or even ethnic food, but it does have its benefits.  I'm reminded of that every time I go for a run through the poor areas of the city (everything surrounding my apartment complex) and I frequently get waves and shouts of encouragement from those who I wouldn't expect it from.  I remember talking to a couple of AU alums and hearing that while they were proud of their school, they wouldn't want people to associate them with the city of Anderson.  It struck me as strange at the moment, but now, its more sad.  If people want to think less of me because of the city I'm from or any similar characteristic such as that, that's their problem; I'm going to spend my time trying to make the best of the city I'm from.  I'm certainly not going to claim that I'm too good for any certain place and if I'm there, hopefully I'll grow to love it.

Pay attention to the cracked streets
And the broken homes
Some call it slums
Some call it nice
I want to take you through
A wasteland I like to call my home
Welcome to paradise

Home is what you make it.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired

Despite what the title would imply, this isn't just another post to let you know what went wrong with my body next. Instead, this is about me being tired of being tired and how pathetic my running has gotten.  I see photos on facebook of friends in CrossFit and there's a bunch of dudes there rocking abs and it reminds me that I need to get my fat ass off my couch and get out for a run again.  Today, I actually did that, and like the last run or two, I've crapped out at the 3 mile mark which is pretty utterly pathetic for me.  I then checked my calendar and realized that since my marathon on May 3, I've run for less than 15 miles.  Yeah, that's bad.  Its time to get out and start doing this again on a regular basis and get my body back to where it should be instead of just complaining about being old all the time.  Besides, getting out and running would give me a good chance to get out with my shirt off and start working on this farmers tan that is starting to get pretty ridiculous.

There's nothing wrong with me

And my year of breaking continues.  Two weeks after getting my EMG done, I hadn't heard any results so I called my doctor and left a message.  A week after that, they finally called me back.  I expected there not to be anything because I haven't been feeling any effects recently.  I was surprised then when they told me that my test showed that I had carpal tunnel.  They told me my options were either to come in and get braces and some shots or they could give me a surgical consult.  I've joked a lot about free surgery since I'm already very close to hitting my deductible on my HDHP.  That said, I'm not going to be stupid and have surgery just for the sake of surgery, especially since I'm feeling very few, if any, effects anymore.  In fact, because of that, I'm going with option c), which is just do nothing except the exercises for my back from when it spasmed.  If I really focus on it, yeah, I can probably make out a hint of numbness, but its certainly nothing that I can't deal with.  Since the whole point of everything that could be done would be to get me to regain feeling in my fingers, I'm not going to do anything since I already have that feeling back.  I am a little scared to see what more they can find wrong with me when I inevitably call to set up a physical later in the month.

Let cooler heads prevail

Well, its been a week and I failed in my quest to finally have a 14 dollar week.  That died on Sunday when I failed to work out.  All told, assuming tonight goes as expected, I'll end up with a ten dollar week (could go to either 9 or 11), and I'll take that.  It's a heck of a lot better than I was doing, especially in May.  I might have had a four or five dollar week in there.  I really don't want to talk about that.  I've gotten back into running; it's sad how slowly I'm going for such little mileage but I just need to bring everything back up to speed and not destroy my legs further in the process.  I did yoga again this week and I should probably try to get it in tonight based on the tightness of my lower back.  The big pile of dishes is now slightly smaller but not as small as it should be.  My book, however, is finished so that's good.  Next, I should move on to the math books that are on my goals list but I don't think they'll be page turners quite like The Martian was.  I also finally started a puzzle again, which means I had to clean off the table which consisted mostly of just throwing stuff away but it helped declutter everything a little bit which did take off some stress.  All said and done, I'm happy and want to keep this up.  I won't be headed out to Gatlinburg though as I've decided I will probably just stick around until Lindsey gets back and then head out with her to a few places we had planned.  I have been eyeing some hiking/camping spots in Northern Georgia though for the fall or winter.

I haven't seen my girl for 15000 miles

By the time I wake up, Lindsey, Lord willing, will be in Europe.  Ideally, she'll be in the Netherlands, but depending on how bad the flight issues were today, she might still be stuck in France.  This means that I'll have plenty of time on my hands for the next little bit.  Thusly, I'm dubbing this coming week as "Lee gets his shit together" week.  There's a lot of things I've been blowing off that just need to get done.  I need to get back to typing up differential equations notes for the independent study that I'm currently observing.  There's a giant stack of dishes that my dishwasher decided were clean but aren't really and so I have to wash by hand.  There's a stack of books I should read.  There's a lot of fast food that I no longer need to eat.  I want to get back to being in a good place so let's start that tomorrow.  Here's the goal: For the next 7 days, I want to make them all 2 dollar days.  I've slipped a little in how stringent I am with them, especially in the eating well category.  I want to not go out to eat once in the next seven days and eat right for this next week.  I want to work out every day, including getting back into running.  I have what's hopefully my final therapy session tomorrow and I'm not going to count that as a workout.  I want to read, at least 1 chapter, everyday.  I want to take care of all those dishes that are piling up.  I need to knock out at least the next five sections of differential equations notes.  I need to just clean up my apartment in general.  If I get all of that done, maybe the following weekend becomes "Lee got his shit together and so now he decided to go hike in the Smokies" weekend.  If I can get at least 11 dollars in the next 7 days, it'll be a consideration.

Old but I'm not that old

A couple months ago, Lindsey first approached me about riding ROC Michigan with her.  Admittedly, my first thought was "How do I get out of this?".  Thankfully, I never followed up on that thought and eventually agreed to join the ride for at least the first two days.  Even though I was minimally active in raising money, I'm glad I joined in on the ride and I had a blast.  I got to meet some cool new people and we all helped each other do something a little bigger than we would probably do by ourselves.  I biked 94 miles over the weekend which puts me up to 150 miles on the summer and that means another goal has been accomplished.

As much as this is the year that my body breaks down, its also becoming the summer of pushing myself through new limits.  I ran a marathon at the start of May, followed that up by hiking 30+ miles with 10000 feet of elevation gain in 3 days some two weeks later and then followed that up with this bike ride three weeks later.  I'm not sure how to follow this up.  It feels like I need to get a 2 mile swim in by the end of July.

What do you do when opinions are everywhere?

California was a blast and it went by quicker than it should have.  I'm fairly certain I'll have met my summer goal of at least three awesome pictures.  I am glad to be home though.

I don't want to talk about that trip today though.  I want to talk about the student evaluations that I saw Wednesday morning as I sat in the San Francisco airport, where it was nice and peaceful until a family with four kids came up and one of the kids promptly exclaimed in a loud voice, "Its so quiet in here!" and then proceeded to make it not so.

Overall, my evaluations were positive, but that's with a small sample size.  I only had a total of 17 students respond and only five left actual notes.  This is for two classes combined, mind you.  Of those five, four were very positive.  They included things like "Dr. VG was easy to talk to outside of class and made class interesting and used real life scenarios", "P.S., you're the bomb", "overall was a wonderful professor" and "is always nice to talk to or ask questions".  These were nice to hear and reminds me of why I do this.

The fifth one, however, was not so kind.  To quote, "This class was definitely my least favorite class I’ve taken in my college career. The only way I was able to succeed in this class was to memorize information rather than actually learning it. And when I did try to learn it I felt you were degrading and responded with an attitude of not wanting to help students succeed in your class. I felt like your ego got in the way of actually wanting to help students. I hope this improves for the next set of students you have." Like every good teacher, I'll take criticism to heart.  It sucks hearing bad evaluations, and if you have a valid point, I will take what you say and try to change in the future and I'm thankful you're making me a better professor.  This one, however, I have a harder time believing.  First, I should say, I am 99.9% sure I know who wrote this.  He's a really smart kid and for the most part, a good student, but here he's wrong and I want to defend myself.  I'm not looking to slag him because that doesn't get us anywhere, but evaluations like this need to be discussed.  I agree that memorization shouldn't be the primary method of learning, but in this class, a class covering logic and the basics of proof, memorization is necessary because it's what you will be using for future math.  Not wanting to memorize things in this class is like building a house but complaining that the foundation isn't movable.  Yes, I made them memorize definitions and theorems and then tested them on it for exams but I told them this would be there on the review days.  Had this student shown up on those days, he would realize how uninformed this complaint sounds.  You don't get to half-ass your work and get away with it in everything else and then blame me when you try it in this class and it doesn't work.

His comments on my attitude are what really got me though.  In my ten years of teaching, I've never been called degrading or anything similar.  I've been called a horrible teacher; I've had a student walk out in class in frustration; I've had students refuse to make eye contact with me outside of class; but never have I ever had anyone accuse me of not trying to be helpful.  I once had a student in one of my favorite classes tell me that I shouldn't use that "I can't believe you just asked that" face as much (his words, not mine), but the vast, vast majority of my students would tell you that I'm always there to help.  I will be on your side if you're willing to work and I will always want to do what I believe is best for you and hearing something so significantly different stings.  On to the ego comment.  Yes, I have an ego, I have pride.  I have talked about that on this very blog several times.  No, it does not transfer over to the classroom.  I joke frequently about getting my Ph.D. Survivor-style.  I joke about liking my job because I always get to be the smartest one in the room, but my ego has never brought me to the point that I talk down to a student.  If anything, it's about respect.  Show me basic respect and courtesy in the classroom and I will respect you as a student.  Heck, even if you don't give me that, i.e., everyone who is constantly texting or checking their email, and you'll still get respect from me because my job is to make help you learn.  I'm not there to make you do anything.  You're a college student.  How much you get out of this directly correlates to how much you put in.  Therefore, if you disrespect the class by constantly showing up late or frequently not at all, then yes, I may respond with a little frustration when you ask me what a symbol is when we've covered it several times in class.  That's not what I'm there for.  Check your notes (which you didn't take because you weren't there) or your book (which you didn't buy).  Ask your friends in class.  You want to complain about me, that's fine.  I've certainly warranted it on certain days or even certain full semesters, but please don't blame me when I try to expect more out of you and you're not willing to put forth the effort and then reap the consequences.

 

Tell me who are you

I know I can be hard on myself on this blog, hence the happiness posts from earlier in the month.  The main reason for it being that I'm not living up to the standards (admittedly high) that I've set for myself.  These past few days have been different.  I've been in California (Pinnacles and Yosemite) and Luke and I have hiked the Pinnacles High Peaks Trail, Yosemite's Four Mile Trail/Panorama Trail and Upper Yosemite Falls.  Its been over 30 miles of hiking with 10000+ feet of elevation gain.  This is who I want to be.  I'm active all day and don't struggle with my usual sin issues because I'm too busy being distracted by the majesty of God's creation.  At night, we celebrate with a burger and a beer and if there's any time left, I'll read.  Granted, this would be really hard to do in Indiana with the total lack of possible elevation change and it would also be difficult to do while maintaining a job, but for now, I'm thrilled.  I'm having a blast out here.  I'm also thankful though that we're taking today off to just drive by Lake Tahoe because my calves could really use the rest.  Also, the back of my right heel has been rubbed raw because I didn't switch out of my boots and into my trail runners soon enough, but that's okay because its a small price to pay for the glory that I've witnessed.  This should knock out my second goal of the summer as well as I'm assuming I have some awesome pictures.  They'll get posted later in the week after I get back.

Let's put this town in our rear view mirror

So I bought a bike.  Its a 2015 Specialized CrossRoads Comfort bike so its not quite a road bike and not quite a mountain bike, but more inbetween so I can safely handle roads and some basic trails but there isn't much suspension.  I got my first ride in with Lindsey on Thursday and knocked out 8 miles of the 100 mile goal.  I'm fairly committed to riding the first weekend of ROC Michigan with her so that would actually take out the entire 100 miles right there.  I'm looking forward to riding a lot more this summer.

I'm also entering the period of summer where Julie starts to hate me.  I just got back home from being in Michigan for the weekend so I could see my parents and finally clean out my Michigan checking account.  In the next little while, I will also head down to Brown County for some hiking if the weather prevails, head up to Milwaukee for a baseball game with the family, and then take off for San Francisco to see all sorts of fun things in Central California.  Hooray summer! Hooray academia!

Friday highlights

I don't want anyone to think that I'm skipping out on highlights already.  I'm just getting to it rather late today.  The best part of Friday morning was getting out and running again for the first time since the marathon.  All my muscles were good and my pace was fine if a little slow.  My knee was still a little janked and I might want to get that looked at during my next physical but it still felt really good just to get out there and run.  Friday night, I went over to Lindsey's place and we walked for a while then had a picnic where I got swarmed with bugs and Lindsey did not.  That's not cool.  We then hung out for a while and watched Stand By Me which I had never seen despite it being nearly as old as I am.  There were plenty of good 80s memories though.  By the way, 80s kids >> 90s kids.

Today, I wanted to go out and finally buy my bike.  I didn't do it for reasons I can't fully explain.  I am a little intimidated by this since its just been so long since I've actually ridden a bike and I don't want to go in to a bike shop and admit that I don't know what I'm talking about.  I don't like feeling dumb, but nobody really does.  I don't know if I've been on a bike since 2001.  Its very possible that I've run 3500+ miles since I last did a mile on a bike.

I also watched Fermat's Room tonight to get a start on some of my mathy goals.  There weren't really as many math riddles as I had hoped and all but one was actually explained.  I knew the answers to most, but I did look up the answer to the one they didn't explain.  Without going into too much detail or giving away the ending to a movie none of you will actually watch, the last few minutes did cover the conundrums of mathematical research very well.  I'm glad I watched it even if it didn't go as deep as I would have hoped.

Thursday's highlights

I bought books yesterday.  Yes, it was the best part of yesterday because any day I buy books, its usually the best part of my day.  I still have a goal of one day owning 1000+ books.  I believe I'm currently a little over 300 so I have a ways to go still.  I originally headed out to Barnes and Noble to pick up a copy of Kevin DeYoung's Don't Call It a Comeback for a book study I'll be joining with my guys from softball, but alas, they didn't have it.  I couldn't find any other bookstores in the area so I came home and ordered it off Amazon.  I also picked up Andy Weir's The Martian, Eric Weiner's The Geography of Bliss and Gabrielle Hamilton's Blood, Bones and Butter.

Wednesday's highlights

Yesterday was a good day.  I still have yet to have a really bad day volunteering at the food pantry and I'm so glad that I chose to do that on a whim because I wanted to get some community service on my record for my job.

Also, Lindsey invited me out to a hospitality night with her small group and that was a very enjoyable time.

Tuesday's highlights

The best part about yesterday was just taking some time off to read.  I haven't been back in a book for a little while so this was nice and relaxing.  Also, the dark chocolate brownies topped with strawberries and ice cream weren't bad either.

I'm either going to need to start combining these posts just so I don't have ridiculously short posts or I'm going to start having really good days.  Lets start with the latter and try to make today a really good day.

So you got to please yourself

Instead of getting on myself for not necessarily being a great person the last couple of days, I'm going to write a post each morning for the rest of the week talking about the best part of my day from the previous day.  Its time to add a little more happy to this blog.

Highlights from yesterday:
1) I had my annual meeting with my dean.  I expected a quick little ten minute meeting just discussing my year but we ended up talking for nearly an hour and discussed everything from class techniques to recruitment efforts to church life.  It really made me feel like I am valued as a faculty member and that I can fully contribute to campus life.

2) Softball started up again last week but I chose not to play due to my shoulder and it being the day after a marathon.  Last night was my first time back out there and even though I was pretty terrible with my throws to first, it was still a tremendous amount of fun and we won both games.  I'm glad to have that back.

Baby, we were born to run

Goal #1 was a success.  I finished the Flying Pig marathon this morning in 3:52:25 which is about twenty minutes slower than the Grand Rapids marathon from a couple years ago.  However, Cincinnati is much hillier and my training was much worse due to injuries and everything in my legs but my hips cramped this morning so I'm still happy.  I started off fast and was averaging 8:00 miles (3:30 pace) for the first half but things definitely went downhill starting around mile 18 or so.  My last mile was just under 12 minutes and that was probably actually faster than the previous two miles.  I was a little worried about my mental toughness those last few miles, but I wasn't going to give it up since I had come so far already and besides, while I know there were first aid stations on the course, they weren't blatantly obvious and I wasn't going to go out of my way to look for them just so I could give up.  I was cramping and hurting, but not injured.  I did make the mistake of taking a GU at mile 18 from the Michigan hydration station.  I think it messed with my stomach and helped lead to a crappy finish.  I felt terrible going through the refreshments at the end of the race when I should have been celebrating.  About 45 minutes after the race, right as Julie and I were getting back to our car, I ended up puking my guts out - all banana and lemon-lime gatorade.  It wasn't pretty but once it was over, I felt a lot better.  This marathon in general hurt, but not enough to overcome how accomplished I feel right now.  Chances are I'll still knock out at least another one sometime in the next couple of years.

And it's a fine place to be

Happy post!

Yeah, technically, there's still exams to be written, given and graded, but screw it, I'm doing the summer goals post a little early because I want to use this weekend to accomplish the first one.

This is the 11th year of the summer goals and I still haven't managed to hit a perfect 10/10 yet.  Maybe this is the year.

1) Run the Flying Pig marathon.  I'm doing this Sunday morning.  Cincy is hilly and I've battled through a jammed knee and rolled ankle during training as well as currently being in therapy for a pinched nerve in my neck.  I'm not looking to p.r., I'll be happy to finish and I'll be even happier if I get a medal with a pig butt on it.

2) Take at least three awesome pictures of California.  Pinnacles, Yosemites, Lake Tahoe, Lassen Volcanic and San Francisco.  I don't think this should be too hard to do it.

3) Read both Journey Through Genius and Mathematics Through the Eyes of Faith,  I also want to watch Fermat's Room because I want to do some mathy stuff this summer.

4) Do an analysis on the probability distribution for starting hands for Texas Hold 'Em poker.  Actual mathy stuff that's out there, but I want a full distribution as opposed to just the winning probability.

5) Find more opportunities to volunteer.

6) Bike 100+ miles.  Step 1 is to buy a bike.  Step 2 is to make amends with my knees.

7)

8) Initiate the home buying process.  I certainly don't plan on actually buying something yet, but I should talk to a banker and see how much home I could actually afford.  After that, I need to get out and see what homes in my price range actually look like in both Fishers and Noblesville and maybe even Anderson if the first two depress me.  I'd check out Carmel too, but I can afford roughly a used refrigerator box out there.  Don't get me wrong, it'd be a really nice refrigerator box, but I want at least two rooms.

9) Hike another 14er and not do it solo this time.

10) Host a game night that includes the other math professors.  Hooray for a social life! Maybe I'll actually have one this summer.

A quick update on my shoulder just to let everyone know how its doing.  There's been good news and bad news.  The good news is that the pain has become less frequent and if I'm distracted or involved in something else, I don't notice it.  I'm also sleeping better, albeit on my couch and with an ice pack.  The bad news is that the numbness in my finger still hasn't gone away.  Further, the area just above my left elbow has started to hurt a little bit.

On a referral from one of the athletic trainers, I went to a walk in clinic yesterday.  They did a series of x-rays on my shoulder which showed no structural damage so everything looked good there.  The current diagnosis is that one of the muscles alongside my shoulder blade spasmed on Sunday night and just hasn't fully relaxed yet.  I'm on a five day regimen of prednisone which should help relax the muscles and hopefully that will take care of everything.  If not, the next step will be physical therapy.  I'm really hoping it doesn't come to that because that means I'm probably running the flying pig with a janked shoulder and I'm just really ready to be done with this.

I hurt myself today

Recently, I had being a little bit of soreness and just kind of a dead spot behind my left shoulder blade.  Last night, I started using a tennis ball to try and roll it out much like I do with my foam roller.  After a minute or so, I got a good pop and then kept going for a little bit, but things took a turn for the worse.  A couple minutes later, my shoulder was feeling completely dead and if I laid on the ground on my back, it hurt just to be there.  I had something similar to this about five years ago and it sucked.  I was able to get an appointment at MSU's D.O. Clinic and they took care of it fairly quickly.  Once this goes away again, I'll need to make sure I spend plenty of time stretching.

I was able to email one of my colleagues in the kinesiology department this morning and she took a look at it this afternoon.  We're trying positional release therapy.  Round 1 helped a little but I'm still in a decent amount of pain and have very limited flexibility.  There's some tingling going on in my index finger as well.  My colleague told me its the worst case of muscle fasciculation she's experienced and she completely understands the pain I'm in.  To be fair though, she came to Anderson with me so she may only have been doing this a few years. She tells me that my nerves have essentially knotted up and there having a hard time relaying information.  The goal of the PRT is to relax those nerves and stretch them out again and hopefully then everything will be fine.

The worst part of this is that I just don't feel like myself since my ability to be active and athletic has been taken away.  I was told I could do anything that doesn't cause me pain, but that likely won't be much.  The marathon is coming up in two weeks and California is in five weeks.  I would be incredibly disappointed if this affected either of those.  I'm a little depressed right now from it anyway, but that might be a side effect of only getting two hours of sleep last night.  I try to stretch at all and the pain comes shooting back and I hate this.  Prayers would be appreciated.

Reality bites but that's what life is

I'm glad you're happy, but I've really missed you as a good friend.  I only see one way I can get back and I would never hope for that.  Goodbye.

And the sky opened up and started pouring rain

Or if the sky opened up and started pouring rain
Like it knew it was time to start things over again
it'd be all right, yeah, it's all right, it'd be easier that way

There have been several thunderstorms this week.  You could always tell they were coming because it would be super dark at 10 in the morning still like the sun had just never risen.  My biggest disappointment is that I've only gotten one or two really good cracks of thunder and a few minutes of pouring rain, but not that super intense storm.  Driving back from the grocery store right now, the sky had turned a fairly ominous hue and I want that storm to come.  Checking the weather report is a total downer though since there is currently a 0% chance of precipitation.  I want that storm though - that storm that frightened me as a kid and I couldn't fall asleep until it was over.  I want that storm to last for at least a little while.  I want that reminder that God is in control and that he is all powerful.  Yes, it may be a reminder of my insignificance apart from Him, but that's part of the grand beauty of it all.  I've had a crappy week.  Its not because of anything that has happened to me or any terrible coincidences or the such; its all been my fault as I have a certain level of standards I'd like to keep and I've failed miserably at most of them.  I got 20 miles in on Sunday but since then I've coasted.  I haven't run since then and I skipped this morning's lifting session and I really should try to make up for it with some yoga tonight, but that very likely won't happen.  I've eaten an entire 9x13 cake that I frosted with a mixture of frosting and caramel sauce.  It was entirely delicious but terrible for me.  Additionally, I went through a bag of jelly beans.  My diet has been an absolute farce these past several days and its affecting me.  That's the great news that comes in the storm though.  All of this gets washed away because I'm not the one who determines my own fate.  If I did, I'd have been beyond hope years ago.  Instead, I like God take care of everything and all the stupid crap that I don't want to do but kinda of actually do and so I do them all gets left behind and the crappy parts of me will eventually be refined out.  I can't wait for that.

I'ma do the things that I want to do

This is the second time I've ever successfully given up anything for lent.  A couple of years I managed to give up alcohol.  Since I gave that up for most of February to see if that would help me get in slightly better shape as well since I'd stop drinking some calories.  Did it work? Not really.  I might have lost a pound, but nothing noticable.  Did it work for its greater purpose of making me think about Jesus' sacrifice every time I wanted a coke but instead got a lemonade or sweet tea instead?  Not in the least.  In fact, I never even connected the two until I started thinking about this post.  In fact, I'm making more of a sacrifice right now as I'm skipping a free Weezer concert downtown right now because I'm going to go to a Good Friday service tonight.  I know there are some people out there who make big deals of lent and it does amazing things for them.  I just happen to not be one of them.  I think there's enough power in Holy Week as it is and there's definitely been some effect this year.  I only wish yesterday's thunderstorms would have been tonight (still some chance), just because it would have been more fitting.

Work sucks, I know

Can you use sarcasm font for a title?  I just want to make that clear - work doesn't suck and I love what I do, but I definitely need to get back to it.

While the past couple of weeks were spent just waiting for spring break to get here, I'm a little glad its nearly done now and I can get back to the grind, as it gives me direction and focus.  The hiking was great, but besides that, I didn't accomplish much.  My most meaningful face to face conversation lasted about three minutes and it was with a restaurant manager.  I haven't done a single push-up or pull-up and this morning's four mile run was the first run since the previous Thursday.  If I hadn't already paid for everything, marathon training would be in serious jeopardy as I've missed so many runs.  I've got essentially the next five Sundays to turn this from half-marathon training into marathon training.  That's something that should be done over six weeks in a worst case scenario and I'm trying to do it in four.  I will officially just be trying to finish when I run it that May morning.

I did get a good story out of this morning's run though.  I cut a six miler short to four miles because I was having lung issues and probably shouldn't have been drinking during last night's Iowa game, but whatever.  I'm walking those last two miles back when I see a Dodge Magnum pull up near me and the window rolls down.  I see its a black woman in probably her mid-to-upper 30s.  The way it came about, I assume she's going to ask for directions or something.  Instead, she tells me,
"You look like a marine or something."
I'm still expecting a question but don't get so it takes me a second to respond with,
"Nope, just out for a morning run."
"Where's your wife?"
"Don't have one."
"Do you need one?"
(Laughs) "No, I'm good. I've got a girlfriend."
(She laughs) "Darn. Well, never know if you don't ask. Have a good day."
"Have a good day."
And then I walk away with my morning made and that big stupid grin that I get when I can't help but to be happy.  Further, if you're going to hit on me, that marine line is a pretty good one.

I wanna be your dangerous side effect

This is my first post in March because for the first two weeks, my singular focus was to get through all job-related stresses and just make it to spring break.  Since then, I've actually been on spring break.  Now I'm laying in a hotel room in Lynchburg and all that's left is a stop at Chick-Fil-A for breakfast and an eight hour drive home.  When I get back, there'll be a lovely girlfriend waiting for me, as well as a whole lot of grading and prep work and the Iowa game is tomorrow too.  I am very happy I made it out here though.  The hike at Conkles Hollow was quite nice, as were yesterday's hikes of Humpback Rocks, Crabtree Falls, and Spy Rock, despite the wind and 30 degree temps.  Tuesday's hike of Old Rag was everything I could have asked for, made even better that I went on a Tuesday morning in March and basically had the place to myself.  Somehow, someway, that hike was even better than Angel's Landing.  It didn't have the spots of instant death that Angel's Landing did, but I think it required more actual hiking/rock scrambling skill.  That's a hike that I will always be willing to come back and do until I physically can't.  I am looking forward to the day that I get to do more of these hikes with people, especially if its like my forays into National Parks with Luke, where you still the quiet and serene and solitude because you're enjoying the surroundings, but still get to share the moment with someone else.  Also, you don't have to go eat by yourself, which would be better.

So what?

I fully admit that I monitor the Feedjit app that's on the side of this page.  Hey, a guy needs to know if his readership has increased to double digits yet or not. (Doubtful).  I know who most of the regulars are from Michigan, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Washington.  There's one in Michigan I'm not sure on but I could make an educated guess about it.  I no longer have that one guy from Finland who was showing up pretty frequently for about a month.  I guess my posts just stopped being interesting to him.  However, about a week ago, I had a visitor from Indianapolis (not sure who, but I have a guess), who specifically was directed to one of my posts through google.  Namely, it was my post about East of Eden and timshel and achieving greatness.  I didn't think much of it, but if someone's going to see just a random post, that's one I would happily share.

The timing of this actually became pretty coincidental when AU had their Special Olympics chapel and had Carl Erskine (as in Anderson resident and former Brooklyn Dodger great Carl Erskine) give the message.  For a dude that's approaching 90 with a couple of world series rings, he's doing pretty well and he has a heck of a lot more general life experience than I do. His message was on the same topic, albeit much better spoken.  His main topic was "So what?" From all of the things from his life, what was it that truly had meaning and made a difference.  He brought this up as his youngest son has Down's Syndrome and he compared the increasing acceptance of handicapped athletes to watching how Jackie Robinson and non-whites in general were eventually accepted in MLB.  With this though, he reminded us that people aren't going to remember what you did or what you said, but they'll remember exactly how you made them feel.  That got me to thinking about how I'll be remembered, which isn't something a 33 year old really worries about too much.  On that day, I wasn't really sure. I've had a few students come back and tell me good things, but self doubt always creeps in a little bit during the rough patches.  Yesterday though, I got to celebrate my birthday with my family and Lindsey and just being around people like that that love me dearly was enough to put those doubts back for a while.  It was a good day all around.

Also, a quick update on my goals.  So far, no epic life moments yet, but the half dome permit lottery opens tomorrow so cross your fingers for me.  Pushups and pullups are going pathetically.  I'll finish February doing less than half of what I should have for the month so I'm even further behind.  Running was going well until I tweaked my ankle last week.  I was able to get out this morning and knock out four miles so hopefully I can get back on track fairly quickly.  The 10 days off though probably cost me about 30 miles.

I think I'm on a roll

I never post enough when I'm happy.  I don't know why, but it just always seems to work out this way.  The last two weeks have been rather good.  I did well on Valentine's Day, well enough, in fact, that at lunch today, the married guys told me that it was a rookie mistake and now big things will be expected of me on future occasions.  The school year has been a little bit of a grind, but that was expected based on the dryness of the classes I have this semester, but so far, they've all gone at least as well as expected with a few being better.

Since this is life, none of it has been perfect obviously, and there are still some bad things, but they all at least have silver linings.  For example, all of my medical bills have come due and February has just been ridiculously expensive, but there is the upshot of the fact that I wasn't killed by roast beef and further, it looks like this year may not be too bad.  Instead of hitting my maximums like I was thinking might happen, there's a good chance I can keep this year's medical expenses under a grand.  Perhaps I can get a little bit more traveling in after all (or maybe not as there's a lot planned already).  I've documented that my auto expenses have been up over the last little bit as well (replaced headlight, brakes, battery; my struts aren't looking real great either), but as my Caliber has about 85000 miles on it and this is only the second time I've really had to do any maintenance with it, I'd say that's pretty darn good.  I am breaking my body again as I rolled an ankle pretty badly at volleyball on Wednesday.  It's turned a very lovely shade of purple right now.  This knocks me out of running for probably at least a week, but if there was any week for it to happen, this would be the week, because HAHAHA, there's absolutely no way I'm running in wind chills of 20 below.  Even I'm not that dumb - well, maybe I am, but now at least I have an excuse to not run and I don't feel bad about it.

In completely random news, no-booze February has become no-drinking-by-yourself February.  I'm also reading Raymond Chandler's The Big Sleep which is one of the essential hardboiled novels, you know, one of those you should be drinking with a whiskey in hand.  I have most of a handle of Whiskey available, but since I can't drink it during February, I have a conundrum.

So yeah, things are good.  I'm happy.  I am getting that spring break itch going though...

Then you'll know what Nitro means

A quick update on everything:

First, I got my car checked out and now the noises have stopped.  Somehow, it was being caused by my brakes being trash, as so aptly described by my mechanic.  That set me back a tidy little sum, but its better than having them fail.

Second, health stuff is starting to all come together.  I had a get to know you meeting with my doctor, but hey, at least I have a personal physician now.  I'll have to go back and actually get a physical and a tetanus shot soon.  She referred me to a GI doctor and I have a meeting with them on Wednesday to see what's causing my EE.

Third, classes are in full swing now.  I gave my first Stats exam on Thursday and will be grading it tonight.  The first Discrete exam is Monday while Finite gets an exam on Thursday and Algebra gets one on Friday.  That'll make for a fun weekend.

Fourth, I've given up booze for February.  At least, I'm trying to.  So far, so good.  Hopefully, this gets me to drop a few pounds.  The body still looks pretty good even though the pushups and pullups are still going very poorly.

Fifth, I think I figured out spring break plans, assuming the weather isn't awful.  I'm hoping to hit up Hoosier Hill, the highest point in Indiana and I'm pretty sure its on a farm somewhere which tells you all you need to know about how I feel about Indiana hiking.  After that three minute stop, I'll be heading on to Conkles Hollow in Ohio for an afternoon before heading out to Virginia to hit up Old Rag/Humpback Rocks/Crabtree Falls/The Devils Marble Yard.  If that doesn't happen, I'll need to take on some project here else I'll get super bored.

Sixth, I don't think there's a sixth.

Breathe with me

I had a plan.  Last summer, I had a plan.  I was doing well financially and through a combination of things, I've been able to save/pay off debt roughly a quarter of my pre-tax salary while I've been out here.  I had about five grand left in student loan debt and my monthly payment was around $80.  Instead, I paid off all of it in six months and the plan was then to save up so I could make a 10-15% down payment on a house this summer.  I'd teach an extra class in the spring and a class or two in the summer and I'd do just as well, if not better, and I'd still have plenty of money for travel.  The first part of the plan went well.  I made it through December and became debt free.  Then everything kind of went to crap.  I had my trip to the ER which is going to run me a little over $2500 because hooray for a high deductible plan.  I really wish I had a sarcasm font.  This year, I should probably have my doctor refer me to a GI specialist so I can figure out what's causing my esophagitis.  Earlier this week, I got an EOB for my dentist visit and I'm not sure if this is correct, but its telling me I owe another $300+.  My car's engine decided to get loud about a month ago.  Its not running rough, but it certainly sounds like something's not right so I need to bring that in and see if something is wrong and I can't imagine that doesn't run me at least a couple of hundred bucks.  I know, this all could be worse, and I hate complaining, but this isn't how it was supposed to go.  I've prayed for financial well-being and maybe this is God's way of telling me to stop worrying about this and to just let him handle it instead of trying to deal with it all myself.  This may just be another of God's reminders that His plan is always better than mine.  I might not meant to be here forever.  Perhaps I am and I find a great deal on a house and everything works out as I hoped; perhaps nothing works out with Lindsey and the community out here doesn't develop and I leave next summer and move to California; perhaps everything works out with Lindsey and her call becomes incredibly clear and we move out to West Africa.  Who knows?  I need to keep myself open to God's plan instead of focusing on mine.  Its just that everything has gotten a little overwhelming since while I am very good with money, I do worry about it too often.  It doesn't help that all of this gets to me and I can see some of my traveling going by the wayside.  The trip out to the Northeast might be off already (possibly replaced) and my spring break hiking trip might be next, depending on my car's diagnosis.  The Northeast camping trip being canceled though does mean I will be at the cabin and Mom will still love me so that might not be a bad thing.  I apologize for this sounding whiny, but its just something that's been weighing on me for the past few weeks and blogging about it hopefully helps me let go and stop worrying.  All I can do is try to stop worrying, give it all up to God, take a few deep breaths and just relax and know that I'll be taken care of no matter what happens.  This feeling that I don't have any of my shit together whatsoever will pass soon enough.

This is quick but not quite painless

This morning, our chapel speaker spoke in honor of MLK Day and his main message was directed toward our students, letting them know that now is the time to act and if they wait longer, it'll be too late.  As we left, my colleague, who's a year younger than me, turned and asked me if we were still youth.  "Based on how much my body creaks and groans, I don't think so", I replied.  I'm not going to lie, I frequently just hurt, but that's all my own doing.  Setting my goals for pushups, pullups and miles may not have been terribly smart.  I'm not worried about the miles because marathon training should take care of a large chunk of that.  I'm similarly confident in the pushups because I feel like I could knock out 100 a day and do all of that in the last six months if necessary.  I'm a little more worried about the pullups since I'm falling behind already and an extra 20-25 pullups a day is a bigger deal than 60 extra pushups.  It doesn't help that I'm getting a ton of exercise in this semester.  Marathon training has me running four times a week, and with the exception of next Saturday, all of those runs will be at least five miles for the next couple of months.  I'm lifting on the days I don't run and then two hours of volleyball on Wednesday nights and I need to start doing yoga at least once a week and preferably twice.  I will either destroy my body doing this or I will finally, finally get cut if I can survive the work and be disciplined in eating.

I took yesterday off when realistically, I should have done some yoga since my legs are rather tight.  However, my next day off probably won't be until the first Saturday of spring break and even then, there's a good chance I spend eight or more hours of that day in a car driving to Virginia or Georgia or wherever I haven't been yet.  I'll get that week off from lifting and running long distance, but I'll still probably get in 20-30 miles of hiking because that's apparently what I do now, any time I get the opportunity.

Life is a test and I get bad marks

I've never been shy about admitting that I still appreciate it when I discover a student is crushing on me.  Some may find it creepy, but its still a respite for me from when I never felt attractive at all in my younger years and its a nice ego boost as well.  My first year out here was a struggle, most of it due to loneliness, but I got through it okay.  There were a few classes that were harder than others to deal with, but their were a handful of good students in those classes that helped me get through it, including one who I thought may have something for me.  (Disclaimer: I would never act on any of this.  Give me some credit.)  Today, I found out she's a lesbian.  Yeah, I may have misread that situation a little bit.

How did I find out?  One of my fellow volunteers at the food pantry directed me to an open letter on the internet that's a call for AU to start being more open towards the LGBTQ community and there's a long list of alumni who have signed it.  I scrolled through it and noticed my former student's name near the bottom and her classification of herself as a lesbian.  Note that this doesn't change how I feel about her a single iota.  She was one of my best students and impressed me with her work and if by some odd happenstance, she came back and asked for a letter of recommendation, I'd gladly give it to her.  There's another one of my favorite students that hasn't graduated yet that told me during our first meeting that she was a lesbian and I'll be extremely proud of her when she graduates because she's overcome so many other things as well.  All that said though, I didn't sign the letter.  I'm not fully ready to classify myself as an ally yet and for some of my potential readers, you may judge me for that all you wish.  Being homosexual is not a sin, but acting on it is and I don't want to get to the point we start accommodating sin.  Don't get me wrong though.  I don't want to harp on this somehow as a sin worse than any other.  There are certain sins I struggle with immensely and would hate to be ostracized because of them.  There are still the occasional times where I struggle with fairly intense loneliness and I can't imagine how much harder that would be for something I had no control over.  The church has been fairly hypocritical on this as well, with many who crucify homosexuality turning a blind eye to both promiscuity/extramarital sex/divorce.  Should I identify as an ally?  Probably, since I certainly won't identify as against the community, but for now, I'll withdraw any further comment.

The future is bullet proof

My biopsy came back positive.  Your invincibility takes a bit of a hit when the biopsy comes back positive.  Don't freak out anyone - it's not cancer, it's eosinophilic esophagitis.  Here's what this means as far as I know right now.  Most of this is gleaned from the Mayo Clinic's website and wikipedia, so that's the first disclaimer.  Eosinophils are white blood cells that are typically present in the stomach.  However, in situations like mine, due to various causes such as allergies or acid reflux, they may build up in the esophagus and cause the esophagus to constrict, in some cases forming rings, hence why eosinophilic esophagitis (EE) may also be known as feline esophagus or ringed esophagus.  EE is most common in younger males and so I guess I got half of that correct.  Until the last decade or so, EE was commonly misdiagnosed along with GERD (acid reflux disease), which I'm guessing I have as well and that I know was passed down genetically.

Here all of my next steps laid out.  First, I had to find a personal physician and I've done that but I can't get in for an actual appointment until near the end of the month.  Once that's happened, I will most likely have her refer me to a GI specialist who can determine what I'm actually allergic to, if anything.  My guess would be that its based on the acid reflux and not allergies, but that's just a shot in the dark.  Mom's most likely guess right now is green beans, which would make pre-college Lisa quite jealous, but I like beans and don't really want to give them up.  Besides all of that, I've had to find a pharmacy nearby that makes compound medications, which once again, I've already done, so that they can make me a Budesonide slurry.  Budesonide is a glucorticoid steroid most commonly used in the treatment of asthma and COPD.  I'll be taking it in slurry form so that it'll coat the esophagus and work there instead of just making its way immediately to the stomach.  I believe the plan is for me to take these intermittently over a period of ten weeks, but I'm not sure on that at all and I'll have to ask my nurse when I get hold of her again.

Finally, when you know you have to take a slurry, just use the examples you'd know, like a slushie or slurpee or whatever a convenience store wants to call it, as opposed to the Google definition, which is "a semiliquid mixture, typically of fine particles of manure, cement, or coal suspended in water." 
Gagalicious.

A little better all the time

You want a New Year's Resolution from me?  Okay, here goes.  By this time next year, I want to be in a better place than I am now.  Its vague, sure, but this past year was pretty good and this time I don't want to focus on just getting out and experiences, I'd like to focus on being in a better situation.  I fully expect that this may be a huge year for me.  There's a decent chance I buy a house.  There's a better chance I get engaged.  There's an even better chance I get to experience a whole lot of fun natural stuff in California (Okay, that's an experiential one. I'm not giving them all up.) But that's not what's becoming the focus this year.  Let's keep this fairly simple and have one physical goal, one spiritual goal and one experiential goal.  For my physical goal, I want to do 7500 pullups, 20000 pushups and run 750 miles.  On this first day so far, I've currently done 7 pullups.  That's it.  I'll have to work much harder on that.  For my spiritual goal, I've been holding on to a copy of J.I. Packer's Daily Readings for a couple of months now.  I will limit myself to doing one devotional per day and I want to get through at least 350 devotionals.  For the experiential goal, I want to have three MAJOR experiences.  This could be buying a house, getting engaged, climbing half-dome, climbing Katahdin whatever.  I want to have at least three.  If you have to ask if its a major thing, its not.  I'll try to keep everyone updated.